Sometimes in order to move forward you must go back. I don't mean live in the past I mean really try to see how your decisions impacted the lives of others. I seem to be on that kick right now. I don't know why, maybe I am going to die soon, or maybe it simply means I'm just growing up and getting real close to God. I tend to go with the real negative first like dying, but that is just me. I have to work on that, my daughter points that out to me all the time.
I wish I could parent like this when I was younger. I am a "grown up parent" now. I could just kick myself for that. But to be a parent it takes 2 people. And Mike and I were not in the place we are now. We were too wounded and trying to control our own environments. We were too self involved to understand that we were hurting our children. And our children had to suffer, not that they were beaten and abused. They were never asked "WHY" they were acting out, instead they were just punished. And it was so important for Mike and I to be right as "parents" that we forgot that our children were people too.
Our house was one big power struggle. That is how I would say our environment was, but we still loved each other like crazy. I stayed home and was there, but not present. I was always distracted. I used to be a triathlete and after that ended I got sick. It took years for me to recover. I would go to the hospital all the time. The kids would come home from school not knowing if I was going to be home or if Grandma was going to be there. There was never a constant in our house.
No one really ever knew their role. There was always a fear based feeling lingering around. We really didn't want to step up and be the parents, completely. We only parent single-handedly, so our wisdom was never meshed together. I could only parent as much as I was raised with, and same with him. We never came together to be a team in this parenting thing. If we weren't so mad at each other (without even knowing it) we could have had the household we have now.
I could dwell on that, because that is where the devil wants me. But instead I'm going to praise God for what I have here and now!!! I asked God to forgive me for my sins of the past. I have handed over each sin to Jesus who is hanging on the cross just to take on those sins. That is the whole reason Jesus die on the cross! Jesus wants us to hand over our sins to Him while He is on the Cross so we don't have to be burdened with them anymore.
I have asked The Holy Spirit to help me make it right with my family. And you know what?!?! HE IS!! HE IS HELPING ME MAKE IT RIGHT!!! I am still in the process of making it right with each one of my children. I have a lot of things to make right and own. It's humbling and humiliating, and at the same time freeing for everyone involved. But I just give that to God. Love comes through, and you just feel God's Love healing through the humble words you are speaking to your loved one. God is almighty and the mighty Healer. He wants my family healed, so I'm letting Him lead me....
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Monday, May 2, 2016
Who's Really The Babysitter?
I was outside and along comes a beautiful little yellow sparrow with just a touch of black markings on its back. It made me wonder what God was thinking when He created that little guy. What was the meaning of this little yellow sparrow?!?! Or what was God thinking about when He created birds in general? Why in the world I would I even be thinking about this? I have no idea, but before the little birdie showed up I was thinking about the sermon I listened to yesterday.
I want to start by saying I love the church we have been going to for over 5 years. But I see a shift. The church is growing, and growing fast, and I would hate to see our pastor fall from grace. It happened with the church we went to before this one. But that is not what this is about. This is about how birds are "animals" but they cannot be mistaken for any other animal out there. A bird can't be mistaken for a monkey. So why did God make it that way?
The sparrow is a protector, and the color yellow is hope and joy. I will take that! So I looked even more into what the Bible says about birds. All throughout the Bible birds were part of miracles. They were used as teaching tools, along with sacrifices to God, and God even fed His people with quail. Even though He didn't want to.
God wanted to keep His people vegetarians. Israel lived a long time in Egypt and they were eating their food. And that meant Unholy meat. God provided a miracle by providing manna. It was a "bread" and it fell from the sky everyday to provide food for His people. It wasn't enough because of their time as slaves in Egypt and they wanted "meat". So God provided, reluctantly, the least harmful meat. And you know what that was? It was quail! That is a bird! Moses, with love and frustration told them,
"Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you today" (Ex. 14:13).
I like the idea of how in some species of birds the mates stay together forever. There is no such thing as divorce. But there is such thing as a cat, unfortunately. But both the male and female bird take care of their babies until they leave the nest. I think our "species" can learn a thing or two from the birds! Each bird knows their responsibility and does it, because if one doesn't their babies will die. I think a part of our children die with divorce, infidelity of parents, alcoholism, addictions, gossipers, and so on. We need to give our children enough to help them survive but not over do it and not under do it. There is a happy medium. It starts with respect.
It also happens when families allow the parents to get their proper roles back. Moms need to be home with their children. Their children will never get the love they need from a stranger...and I don't care if you know the babysitter! It's not YOU!!! A baby, A Child, A Teenager....needs a parent home taking care of them. Children learn manners and responsibility from their parents. And being a parent for 2-3 hours in the evening is not BEING A PARENT! YOU ARE THE BABYSITTER!!! Sorry! But it's true!
Dads need to step up and take care of their families. You don't always "Love" your wife, but you made that commitment to God that said forever. People are so lost now, it makes me sad. When we can take lessons from a bird on how to be a family and be responsible then there is something wrong. Or maybe that is exactly what we need to do!
Maybe we need to look at the mighty eagle. I'm going to leave you with Deuteronomy 32:11-12 the Lord is compared to and eagle. That is a very powerful statement! I want to be an eagle! Don't you?
11“Like an eagle that stirs up its nest,
That hovers over its young,
He spread His wings and caught them,
He carried them on His pinions.
I want to start by saying I love the church we have been going to for over 5 years. But I see a shift. The church is growing, and growing fast, and I would hate to see our pastor fall from grace. It happened with the church we went to before this one. But that is not what this is about. This is about how birds are "animals" but they cannot be mistaken for any other animal out there. A bird can't be mistaken for a monkey. So why did God make it that way?
The sparrow is a protector, and the color yellow is hope and joy. I will take that! So I looked even more into what the Bible says about birds. All throughout the Bible birds were part of miracles. They were used as teaching tools, along with sacrifices to God, and God even fed His people with quail. Even though He didn't want to.
God wanted to keep His people vegetarians. Israel lived a long time in Egypt and they were eating their food. And that meant Unholy meat. God provided a miracle by providing manna. It was a "bread" and it fell from the sky everyday to provide food for His people. It wasn't enough because of their time as slaves in Egypt and they wanted "meat". So God provided, reluctantly, the least harmful meat. And you know what that was? It was quail! That is a bird! Moses, with love and frustration told them,
"Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you today" (Ex. 14:13).
I like the idea of how in some species of birds the mates stay together forever. There is no such thing as divorce. But there is such thing as a cat, unfortunately. But both the male and female bird take care of their babies until they leave the nest. I think our "species" can learn a thing or two from the birds! Each bird knows their responsibility and does it, because if one doesn't their babies will die. I think a part of our children die with divorce, infidelity of parents, alcoholism, addictions, gossipers, and so on. We need to give our children enough to help them survive but not over do it and not under do it. There is a happy medium. It starts with respect.
It also happens when families allow the parents to get their proper roles back. Moms need to be home with their children. Their children will never get the love they need from a stranger...and I don't care if you know the babysitter! It's not YOU!!! A baby, A Child, A Teenager....needs a parent home taking care of them. Children learn manners and responsibility from their parents. And being a parent for 2-3 hours in the evening is not BEING A PARENT! YOU ARE THE BABYSITTER!!! Sorry! But it's true!
Dads need to step up and take care of their families. You don't always "Love" your wife, but you made that commitment to God that said forever. People are so lost now, it makes me sad. When we can take lessons from a bird on how to be a family and be responsible then there is something wrong. Or maybe that is exactly what we need to do!
Maybe we need to look at the mighty eagle. I'm going to leave you with Deuteronomy 32:11-12 the Lord is compared to and eagle. That is a very powerful statement! I want to be an eagle! Don't you?
11“Like an eagle that stirs up its nest,
That hovers over its young,
He spread His wings and caught them,
He carried them on His pinions.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Calmness Creates Chaos
It's been awhile since I've posted. It isn't because I don't have anything to say. Just the opposite actually. It's because my youngest daughter overdosed. It was a suicide attempt by overdosing on my anxiety pills. Luckily for us I'm on Hydroxozine, which is basically Bendryal, and she was unable to overdose on that particular drug.
This has been a much awakening in our family. It was painful leading up to it, and it was devastating going through it, but we have felt comfort in our healing through God. The healing that Mike and I have experienced and are still experiencing through God and therapy is creating a calmness among my family. And within this new calmness a chaos has developed within our children. I don't want to say that our house was full of fighting and hate, it wasn't. We love each other, and are very close to one another. But there was a lack of respect for one another on everyone's part. But it starts with Mike and I. And that respect wasn't there, and I would say that we just started respecting each other.
Our precious daughter has a hard taking responsibility for her actions. But I believe that is because she was taking the blame for everything that was going wrong in the house. Then, if she had to add her wrongs too....she would overload. And when Mike and I started "owning our sh$!" she didn't know where she stood in the family. So she felt lost and un-needed, or worse unwanted. And that just breaks my heart knowing that a person that I love so much would ever feel that way.
The TRUTH is, she is a child of God. And she is Flawless no matter how "dirty" she may feel. She is only responsible for herself. When we pray to God we don't ask God to forgive someone else's sins! NO! We ask God to forgive us for our own sins. You are only responsible for yourself, your actions, and your words. Angry is not a great place to get stuck, but we choose to stay there. If we can choose that then can we choose to be happy? I think so!
I would like to thank Mike for leading our family through this tough time. I have thanked him and told him so many times how proud I am of him. You are a true Godly man and one of those rare strong family leader! I'm truly blessed that God led you to me. I love watching you minister to others and to me. When we pray together I feel indivisible, which I know we are. I will love you forever ever and always.
This has been a much awakening in our family. It was painful leading up to it, and it was devastating going through it, but we have felt comfort in our healing through God. The healing that Mike and I have experienced and are still experiencing through God and therapy is creating a calmness among my family. And within this new calmness a chaos has developed within our children. I don't want to say that our house was full of fighting and hate, it wasn't. We love each other, and are very close to one another. But there was a lack of respect for one another on everyone's part. But it starts with Mike and I. And that respect wasn't there, and I would say that we just started respecting each other.
Our precious daughter has a hard taking responsibility for her actions. But I believe that is because she was taking the blame for everything that was going wrong in the house. Then, if she had to add her wrongs too....she would overload. And when Mike and I started "owning our sh$!" she didn't know where she stood in the family. So she felt lost and un-needed, or worse unwanted. And that just breaks my heart knowing that a person that I love so much would ever feel that way.
The TRUTH is, she is a child of God. And she is Flawless no matter how "dirty" she may feel. She is only responsible for herself. When we pray to God we don't ask God to forgive someone else's sins! NO! We ask God to forgive us for our own sins. You are only responsible for yourself, your actions, and your words. Angry is not a great place to get stuck, but we choose to stay there. If we can choose that then can we choose to be happy? I think so!
I would like to thank Mike for leading our family through this tough time. I have thanked him and told him so many times how proud I am of him. You are a true Godly man and one of those rare strong family leader! I'm truly blessed that God led you to me. I love watching you minister to others and to me. When we pray together I feel indivisible, which I know we are. I will love you forever ever and always.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
So What If You're Like You're Parent?
So when I started this Blog I stated that I was going to be "raw" and real. It has been real easy to reveal Mike's short comings, but not mine. If I look back I have wrote about what we have discovered about Mike. That is not saying that we have done wonders in our marriage just learning about him. He is an amazing man, and I'm so blessed to me married to him.
I'm at a place in our marriage that I can say, "I'm so blessed to me married to him" and truly know what that means...and believe it! I KNOW that I'm blessed to be married to Mike. He has never quit on us, through all the addictions we fought, the losses we have had, and still he's able provide for us. That is his love language, service. And even though mine is touch, I have to stop being so selfish and childish to see his way of loving me. Because if I do, I would see his working almost 7 days a week is his way of showing the amount of love he has for me. What a dummy I have been!
Mike breaking his back to provide for us is his way of "loving" me. Where he went wrong was his unwillingness or inability to learn my love language. But instead of taking time learning it, he kept busy with working to provide. Then he became bitter because he felt like an outsider in his family. Then I would get mad because he was gone providing, so I would continue to keep him out of family decisions. It was and can still be a vicious cycle. It is real!
We all come with some baggage from our past to the marriage. It's a sure thing! What we need to do is figure out which parent you take after. We need to accept it (whether you like that parent or not) and fix what you didn't like and enhance what you did. I finally figured out I'm like my Dad. That means I can be my "Angry Dad" too. I would get explosive mad like my Dad. I would yell and I could go from 0 to 100 in anger in no time. It had to be a scary thing to see. I know it was when I saw my Dad do it when I was little.
I had a lot of fun growing up in Youngstown, OH. But I was sort of afraid of my Dad. He had a bit of a temper. My Dad would be nice for awhile and then something would go wrong and he would explode. We would be getting along for a couple of days or so but I would always have my guard up. I knew he was going to turn on me at any minute. I knew that the good times wouldn't last, and that always made me sad. When he would come home on Thursdays from traveling all week, if the ice cubes weren't made he would be pissed. If the stereo in the dining room was too loud I would catch a beating.
I asked my parents about the fighting and they blamed me for it. They said it was because I was mouthy. They said I probably deserved it. Right then I had to make a choice to forgive them because the anger from the past was only hurting me. I love them, and they didn't know any better. When they were raising me they were freaking out. Because my oldest sister went down a dark path, and they connected me getting mouthy with my sister's antics. Honestly, I believe it was PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). They were worried I was going down the same path my sister went down. And that would simply destroy my Mom & Dad. So if I choose to look at the past fighting as "miss directed wrong kind of discipline" then it's not so scary. And they are back to my loving parents.
It took me a long time to figure out I act out like my "Angry Dad" when I'm mad. The one thing that I didn't want to happen. The one thing I didn't want to be. The one thing I would never want MY children to experience. The one piece of baggage I would never want for my children to carry. I have created it in my household. To realize this was not the best of days. It's such a disgusting self feeling and there is no soap that can wash away that funk! But I do know that the feeling that my family has when I act like "Angry Dad" is 1,000x worst.
Boy was I humbled! But the great thing about being humbled is...that is when God can do His best work. That is when God can get in the nook and cracks and really heal. Because think about the word humble and the opposite of it...proud. When you hear the word proud you think "straight up, strong, tall, mighty" and don't leave out, no cracks. Or at least they don't think there are...because they are proud. Now think of the word humble...think of a bowl of oatmeal. And now think about how the brown sugar melts on it. How it can get in the nooks and cracks of the oatmeal. That is humble.
I have since made it right with my older children. I've apologized for my behavior and explained them how completely wrong I was. I have made a choice not to be that person anymore. I don't want to be out of control of my emotions, ever. I don't want to cause another person feel bad about themselves. I am choosing not to be that person. I don't want my children to come to me and ask me why I hurt them and then me blame it on them. I want to own what actions are mine.
Some say the "it was your fault" thinking is due to a "different generation". But I don't believe that at all. Are you telling me that I love my child differently than a woman whom gave birth (the same way I did!) back in the 1920's? No I don't believe that one bit! I believe that we love our children the way we wished our parent's loved us. So for example, when I was growing up my parents really weren't into my love life. Which made room for bad boyfriends in my young life. But I'm totally into both my daughter's love lives. I'm so afraid they will make the same mistakes I have. So yeah, "Different Generation" nah, just learning how to love a little better with each generation maybe?
I'm at a place in our marriage that I can say, "I'm so blessed to me married to him" and truly know what that means...and believe it! I KNOW that I'm blessed to be married to Mike. He has never quit on us, through all the addictions we fought, the losses we have had, and still he's able provide for us. That is his love language, service. And even though mine is touch, I have to stop being so selfish and childish to see his way of loving me. Because if I do, I would see his working almost 7 days a week is his way of showing the amount of love he has for me. What a dummy I have been!
Mike breaking his back to provide for us is his way of "loving" me. Where he went wrong was his unwillingness or inability to learn my love language. But instead of taking time learning it, he kept busy with working to provide. Then he became bitter because he felt like an outsider in his family. Then I would get mad because he was gone providing, so I would continue to keep him out of family decisions. It was and can still be a vicious cycle. It is real!
We all come with some baggage from our past to the marriage. It's a sure thing! What we need to do is figure out which parent you take after. We need to accept it (whether you like that parent or not) and fix what you didn't like and enhance what you did. I finally figured out I'm like my Dad. That means I can be my "Angry Dad" too. I would get explosive mad like my Dad. I would yell and I could go from 0 to 100 in anger in no time. It had to be a scary thing to see. I know it was when I saw my Dad do it when I was little.
I had a lot of fun growing up in Youngstown, OH. But I was sort of afraid of my Dad. He had a bit of a temper. My Dad would be nice for awhile and then something would go wrong and he would explode. We would be getting along for a couple of days or so but I would always have my guard up. I knew he was going to turn on me at any minute. I knew that the good times wouldn't last, and that always made me sad. When he would come home on Thursdays from traveling all week, if the ice cubes weren't made he would be pissed. If the stereo in the dining room was too loud I would catch a beating.
I asked my parents about the fighting and they blamed me for it. They said it was because I was mouthy. They said I probably deserved it. Right then I had to make a choice to forgive them because the anger from the past was only hurting me. I love them, and they didn't know any better. When they were raising me they were freaking out. Because my oldest sister went down a dark path, and they connected me getting mouthy with my sister's antics. Honestly, I believe it was PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). They were worried I was going down the same path my sister went down. And that would simply destroy my Mom & Dad. So if I choose to look at the past fighting as "miss directed wrong kind of discipline" then it's not so scary. And they are back to my loving parents.
It took me a long time to figure out I act out like my "Angry Dad" when I'm mad. The one thing that I didn't want to happen. The one thing I didn't want to be. The one thing I would never want MY children to experience. The one piece of baggage I would never want for my children to carry. I have created it in my household. To realize this was not the best of days. It's such a disgusting self feeling and there is no soap that can wash away that funk! But I do know that the feeling that my family has when I act like "Angry Dad" is 1,000x worst.
Boy was I humbled! But the great thing about being humbled is...that is when God can do His best work. That is when God can get in the nook and cracks and really heal. Because think about the word humble and the opposite of it...proud. When you hear the word proud you think "straight up, strong, tall, mighty" and don't leave out, no cracks. Or at least they don't think there are...because they are proud. Now think of the word humble...think of a bowl of oatmeal. And now think about how the brown sugar melts on it. How it can get in the nooks and cracks of the oatmeal. That is humble.
I have since made it right with my older children. I've apologized for my behavior and explained them how completely wrong I was. I have made a choice not to be that person anymore. I don't want to be out of control of my emotions, ever. I don't want to cause another person feel bad about themselves. I am choosing not to be that person. I don't want my children to come to me and ask me why I hurt them and then me blame it on them. I want to own what actions are mine.
Some say the "it was your fault" thinking is due to a "different generation". But I don't believe that at all. Are you telling me that I love my child differently than a woman whom gave birth (the same way I did!) back in the 1920's? No I don't believe that one bit! I believe that we love our children the way we wished our parent's loved us. So for example, when I was growing up my parents really weren't into my love life. Which made room for bad boyfriends in my young life. But I'm totally into both my daughter's love lives. I'm so afraid they will make the same mistakes I have. So yeah, "Different Generation" nah, just learning how to love a little better with each generation maybe?
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
What Does Peace Look Like To You?
At Peace! What does that mean to you? I have been in therapy with a couple of different therapists until I found Darrell. When I went to him I decided to "get my money's worth" out of therapy this time. I was going to just be myself and let the chips fall where they may. Honestly, I don't know if it was me deciding that or if Darrell is really good at tricking me. So I'm going to just chalk this one up to me. haha
I remember in one of my very first sessions with Darrell he asked me what I desire most. I answered, Peace. He asked me what Peace looked like. I had no ideal! All I knew it was a word attached to a feeling that I wanted. So we explored that more and it took months for me to find out what Peace meant to me. But I know now.
Today our 17 year old dog, Boo, is dying. I don't have the courage to take him to the vet and put him down. Plus, he's not in pain, he's just really old. And for the last 3 days he hasn't been eating and today I just know that he is slipping. So I have decided to care for him at home. I have wrapped him up and held him none stop. I'm praying over him and talking to him. I feel like he is part of our family and I don't have the right to choose when he dies so I'll just make him comfortable.
Boo and I were outside on the back porch and I'm praying over him and I asked God just please take him. Please give me Peace, Holy Spirit. Just then a peace over came me like you can only explain like relief. Like that feeling of grasping something too tight and not realizing it. Then loosing up your grip only to find your knuckles to almost throb from the blood pumping back into them. Then giving yourself that chuckle of "why was I gripping so tight?" chuckle. You know the one!
That relief feeling when the Holy Spirit sends Peace to you can be explained like when you make your face turn red and then release it and you can breath again. And that calm feeling of oxygen flows throw your body. That is what the Holy Spirit is, that is what He provides...Oxygen to your Soul!
I used to go to my imaginary safe spot in therapy which was the woods. Now I don't have to rely on myself to go to the woods in my mind. My safe spot and Peaceful feeling doesn't have to be me working on it, all I have to do now is ask for the Holy Spirit to "Give me Peace, In Jesus's Name, Amen." And instantaneously, I will be at the peace that I have so longed for.
So when I think about the question now, "what does peace look like to me?" I looks like me bowing my head in the middle of a tornado and asking the Holy Spirit to protect me and give me peace. And I WILL be protected and given that peace I need at that time.
Jesus sent the Holy Spirit down here on Earth to help us with our everyday lives. Sure Jesus is with us, but why not ask on Someone Whom is closer. It's like having a Supervisor and an Executive. If you are a Customer Service Rep. who are you going to go for with questions about your job for immediate answers? Not the Executive that really has no idea how to answer phones on the daily. You're going to ask your Supervisor. I'm not saying that Jesus is above the Holy Spirit He's not, but I am saying this to try to explain the lines of communication
All Three; Father, Son, and Holy Ghost make up the Trinity and therefore are all God. It's like multiplying 1x1x1=1 instead of adding 1+1+1=3
Dedicated to Boo Bear, You will always be in our hearts and noses. We love you!
I remember in one of my very first sessions with Darrell he asked me what I desire most. I answered, Peace. He asked me what Peace looked like. I had no ideal! All I knew it was a word attached to a feeling that I wanted. So we explored that more and it took months for me to find out what Peace meant to me. But I know now.
Today our 17 year old dog, Boo, is dying. I don't have the courage to take him to the vet and put him down. Plus, he's not in pain, he's just really old. And for the last 3 days he hasn't been eating and today I just know that he is slipping. So I have decided to care for him at home. I have wrapped him up and held him none stop. I'm praying over him and talking to him. I feel like he is part of our family and I don't have the right to choose when he dies so I'll just make him comfortable.
Boo and I were outside on the back porch and I'm praying over him and I asked God just please take him. Please give me Peace, Holy Spirit. Just then a peace over came me like you can only explain like relief. Like that feeling of grasping something too tight and not realizing it. Then loosing up your grip only to find your knuckles to almost throb from the blood pumping back into them. Then giving yourself that chuckle of "why was I gripping so tight?" chuckle. You know the one!
That relief feeling when the Holy Spirit sends Peace to you can be explained like when you make your face turn red and then release it and you can breath again. And that calm feeling of oxygen flows throw your body. That is what the Holy Spirit is, that is what He provides...Oxygen to your Soul!
I used to go to my imaginary safe spot in therapy which was the woods. Now I don't have to rely on myself to go to the woods in my mind. My safe spot and Peaceful feeling doesn't have to be me working on it, all I have to do now is ask for the Holy Spirit to "Give me Peace, In Jesus's Name, Amen." And instantaneously, I will be at the peace that I have so longed for.
So when I think about the question now, "what does peace look like to me?" I looks like me bowing my head in the middle of a tornado and asking the Holy Spirit to protect me and give me peace. And I WILL be protected and given that peace I need at that time.
Jesus sent the Holy Spirit down here on Earth to help us with our everyday lives. Sure Jesus is with us, but why not ask on Someone Whom is closer. It's like having a Supervisor and an Executive. If you are a Customer Service Rep. who are you going to go for with questions about your job for immediate answers? Not the Executive that really has no idea how to answer phones on the daily. You're going to ask your Supervisor. I'm not saying that Jesus is above the Holy Spirit He's not, but I am saying this to try to explain the lines of communication
All Three; Father, Son, and Holy Ghost make up the Trinity and therefore are all God. It's like multiplying 1x1x1=1 instead of adding 1+1+1=3
Dedicated to Boo Bear, You will always be in our hearts and noses. We love you!
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Three Steps to Fighting Fair in a Broken Marriage.
Let me just tell you where anxiety begins. It begins with one trying to control another person or their environment. And failing at not only controlling that but also controlling themselves. That is where fear comes into play which causes anxiety.
So in not being able to control the people around oneself, and not accepting the fact that you can't control the future relationships break down. People get panic attacks and start to blame others for the attacks. Sometimes people whom are the control freaks also like to control the emotional state of others too. The control freak has to have control of someone in some aspect of their inner circle's lives. It is that desire to have that control that causes anxiety. Those control freak people are really fear based hurt children inside.
I am an anxious person. I suffer from panic attacks and I know the struggle of fear. Personally, I can't think about the future. When Mike and I have a disagreement, I do my best to keep my mind focused on the problem at hand. This is an example of guidelines Mike and I follow when we have a disagreement;
1. Take a time out. Right away don't say anything if you are hot headed and don't retreat into your shell if you are introverted. But things are toxic to a relationship. There is a happy medium. Mike is introverted and I can have a wicked tongue. I know now that Mike has to think about things before he says them to me because he doesn't want to hurt me. And also, he has said somethings off the cuff that have bit him on the ass with me. So he has learned to be cautious with me. So I'm a product of my own environment and I don't like what I have created. But it's my own fault.
So take some time apart before you start to discuss a conflict. Start thinking if this is the, "Hill you want to die on". This will give you time to put yourself in your mate's place, and really try to see things from their point of view. If you truly loved them you would be able to do that even if you are mad. But before you take that time away establish that you are taking that time because you need some time to think. It's OK to tell your spouse that they hurt your feelings and you need to go process it. The other spouse needs to be aware that they upset the other. It is imperative that the spouses acknowledge each other's feelings. It is also important to go back after the time out and talk about it.
2. Only own your own feelings. You can only claim what is yours. And your feelings are your own. You are responsible for your feelings and your actions & reactions. No one else can say, "Oh I am the one that threw Patty's punch that hit Johnny's face". When Mike and I talk about our feelings I try to explain without threatening. I tell him this is what happened and this is how I reacted and why. I don't know if it was right or not. I ask him what is his side, then somewhere in the middle we find the truth. Or at least what we decide to be the truth.
When no one is blaming each other for hurting each other, only then we get to heal. When one spouse is trying to control the other by making the other apologize or "take responsibility" for something they don't care to, that will only cause anxiety to the person thinking they were wronged. Some seek to control others by telling them they should feel remorse. That is not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about seeing the "2-sides" to every story. Grow up and be responsible for your feelings and then be respectful of each other's feelings.
3. Don't talk about the past or the future. When we bring up the past or the future we find our voices start to escalate. We don't even know why. The noise will actually make us stop and take a breath. We know that we don't want to be that out of control fighting couple. We know that we are capable of talking out our feeling because we are learning how to and we truly care about each other.
What I find wild is that when our voices are loud and we are beginning to "go there". We are usually fighting about either the past or the future. Both things we have no control over. When we pull it bad to the task at hand, those angry feeling go away and the disagreement is solved. BOOM, done. There is no room for the past or the future in a marriage.
So in not being able to control the people around oneself, and not accepting the fact that you can't control the future relationships break down. People get panic attacks and start to blame others for the attacks. Sometimes people whom are the control freaks also like to control the emotional state of others too. The control freak has to have control of someone in some aspect of their inner circle's lives. It is that desire to have that control that causes anxiety. Those control freak people are really fear based hurt children inside.
I am an anxious person. I suffer from panic attacks and I know the struggle of fear. Personally, I can't think about the future. When Mike and I have a disagreement, I do my best to keep my mind focused on the problem at hand. This is an example of guidelines Mike and I follow when we have a disagreement;
1. Take a time out. Right away don't say anything if you are hot headed and don't retreat into your shell if you are introverted. But things are toxic to a relationship. There is a happy medium. Mike is introverted and I can have a wicked tongue. I know now that Mike has to think about things before he says them to me because he doesn't want to hurt me. And also, he has said somethings off the cuff that have bit him on the ass with me. So he has learned to be cautious with me. So I'm a product of my own environment and I don't like what I have created. But it's my own fault.
So take some time apart before you start to discuss a conflict. Start thinking if this is the, "Hill you want to die on". This will give you time to put yourself in your mate's place, and really try to see things from their point of view. If you truly loved them you would be able to do that even if you are mad. But before you take that time away establish that you are taking that time because you need some time to think. It's OK to tell your spouse that they hurt your feelings and you need to go process it. The other spouse needs to be aware that they upset the other. It is imperative that the spouses acknowledge each other's feelings. It is also important to go back after the time out and talk about it.
2. Only own your own feelings. You can only claim what is yours. And your feelings are your own. You are responsible for your feelings and your actions & reactions. No one else can say, "Oh I am the one that threw Patty's punch that hit Johnny's face". When Mike and I talk about our feelings I try to explain without threatening. I tell him this is what happened and this is how I reacted and why. I don't know if it was right or not. I ask him what is his side, then somewhere in the middle we find the truth. Or at least what we decide to be the truth.
When no one is blaming each other for hurting each other, only then we get to heal. When one spouse is trying to control the other by making the other apologize or "take responsibility" for something they don't care to, that will only cause anxiety to the person thinking they were wronged. Some seek to control others by telling them they should feel remorse. That is not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about seeing the "2-sides" to every story. Grow up and be responsible for your feelings and then be respectful of each other's feelings.
3. Don't talk about the past or the future. When we bring up the past or the future we find our voices start to escalate. We don't even know why. The noise will actually make us stop and take a breath. We know that we don't want to be that out of control fighting couple. We know that we are capable of talking out our feeling because we are learning how to and we truly care about each other.
What I find wild is that when our voices are loud and we are beginning to "go there". We are usually fighting about either the past or the future. Both things we have no control over. When we pull it bad to the task at hand, those angry feeling go away and the disagreement is solved. BOOM, done. There is no room for the past or the future in a marriage.
Friday, March 25, 2016
How My Marriage Survived "The Change Of Life"
How can people believe that there is a hell and not a heaven? I wrote about this earlier, about how there are always 2 sides to everything. There is good with evil, white with black, yin with yang. You can't have a good day without having a bad day first. Otherwise how would you know that you were having a good day?
Same goes true with marriage. You can't always have a good marriage. We are going to struggle and sometimes fail. But that doesn't have to mean throwing in the towel. That just means it's time to reconnect on a different level. As humans we are always evolving and growing as people. That means our spiritual journey and life will change also and sometimes our mates are not always on board. Sometimes we leave them fending for themselves and that isn't fair to them at all.
As their spouse we are to have Grace and take them by the hand and help them along in this journey called "Life". As a married couple we are to grow together and experience the changes in life together. I had this fantasy when we first got married that we where going to experience every single life changing moment together. That Mike and I were going to be this "Power Couple" and we were going to be shielded off from the world. In my mind no one or thing could ever penetrate our love for each other.
There were so many wrong things with that picture. First off, I was only relying on our love for each other to get us through life. I never even thought about making God the center of our marriage, even though we went to church every so often. We weren't committed to God anymore than we were committed to each other. We were just going through the motions of our faith and our marriage. But in the last year or so I would say that God has gotten real with us.
The difference in what we are going through now compared to what we have gone through in the past is we are allowing God to heal us first. We are allowing God to do His work first before we will react to each other. This isn't a behavior that is learned overnight, this is something that Mike and I have really had to work on. We have to be conscious of our behaviors, words, and actions. The way I do that, I have asked God to give me comfort with with all the things I just stated. He helps me! I ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and make me feel at peace. I ask for discernment about situations and you know what...HE GIVES IT!
I was so young to think that the world would stay out of my bubble. Of course people and life would penetrate our world. I think that stuff tries to get in the way of marriages and things important to God just to destroy it. But Mike has a strong faith in God and in me and he has keep us together. I tried many times to throw in the towel, but he won't do it. That shows me he loves me. Even though life happened to us doesn't mean we have to give up our lives to it. Mike and I are yoked with Jesus, and no world or devil will ever be able to penetrate our bond. That's not saying that they won't try. They'll try. But Mike and I will have the tools we are learning in therapy and of course the our number 1 go to, the place we go first, our Alpha and Omega...The Lord!
Same goes true with marriage. You can't always have a good marriage. We are going to struggle and sometimes fail. But that doesn't have to mean throwing in the towel. That just means it's time to reconnect on a different level. As humans we are always evolving and growing as people. That means our spiritual journey and life will change also and sometimes our mates are not always on board. Sometimes we leave them fending for themselves and that isn't fair to them at all.
As their spouse we are to have Grace and take them by the hand and help them along in this journey called "Life". As a married couple we are to grow together and experience the changes in life together. I had this fantasy when we first got married that we where going to experience every single life changing moment together. That Mike and I were going to be this "Power Couple" and we were going to be shielded off from the world. In my mind no one or thing could ever penetrate our love for each other.
There were so many wrong things with that picture. First off, I was only relying on our love for each other to get us through life. I never even thought about making God the center of our marriage, even though we went to church every so often. We weren't committed to God anymore than we were committed to each other. We were just going through the motions of our faith and our marriage. But in the last year or so I would say that God has gotten real with us.
The difference in what we are going through now compared to what we have gone through in the past is we are allowing God to heal us first. We are allowing God to do His work first before we will react to each other. This isn't a behavior that is learned overnight, this is something that Mike and I have really had to work on. We have to be conscious of our behaviors, words, and actions. The way I do that, I have asked God to give me comfort with with all the things I just stated. He helps me! I ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and make me feel at peace. I ask for discernment about situations and you know what...HE GIVES IT!
I was so young to think that the world would stay out of my bubble. Of course people and life would penetrate our world. I think that stuff tries to get in the way of marriages and things important to God just to destroy it. But Mike has a strong faith in God and in me and he has keep us together. I tried many times to throw in the towel, but he won't do it. That shows me he loves me. Even though life happened to us doesn't mean we have to give up our lives to it. Mike and I are yoked with Jesus, and no world or devil will ever be able to penetrate our bond. That's not saying that they won't try. They'll try. But Mike and I will have the tools we are learning in therapy and of course the our number 1 go to, the place we go first, our Alpha and Omega...The Lord!
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
On A Mission From God!
Do you ever notice how your relationship with God can be a come and go thing? At least mine is at times. I hate it when I allow "life" to get in the way of my priority with God. And I know that God has plans for me. He has shown them to me but I'm scared. That's right, I'm not afraid to say it.
I know what I'm to do for God, but I'm afraid to do it. He has been training me for it, and now He has shown me. God can't get much clearer than He already has, but I'm frozen in fear. I know that fear is the devil working, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to get up and move. I'm struggling with, "What happens if I am a success?" Then people will depend on me and what happens if I let them down? I am so afraid of that responsibility!
I have seen people do things in the "Name of the Lord" and hurt many people along the way. I personally have been let down by many people who stated that they were led by the Lord to help me. But that is me putting my trust in man and not in God. And that is exactly what we are not to do. We are to rely on God and not man for our comfort and direction. Sometimes we get that confused. For example, a Pastor deceives his congregation. Some may blame God and not the Pastor. They'll say that we are "bitter" towards the church because of what a pastor may have done. That's putting your faith and trust in a man (the pastor) and not in God.
In order for me to do what God wants me to do I would have to change my life. I would have to put others before the troubles in my life. I don't know if my family could handle that. But maybe that is exactly what they need. I can't continue to debate about this, because I believe it is urgent that I do what God wants me to do. I'm on a mission from God!
I know what I'm to do for God, but I'm afraid to do it. He has been training me for it, and now He has shown me. God can't get much clearer than He already has, but I'm frozen in fear. I know that fear is the devil working, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to get up and move. I'm struggling with, "What happens if I am a success?" Then people will depend on me and what happens if I let them down? I am so afraid of that responsibility!
I have seen people do things in the "Name of the Lord" and hurt many people along the way. I personally have been let down by many people who stated that they were led by the Lord to help me. But that is me putting my trust in man and not in God. And that is exactly what we are not to do. We are to rely on God and not man for our comfort and direction. Sometimes we get that confused. For example, a Pastor deceives his congregation. Some may blame God and not the Pastor. They'll say that we are "bitter" towards the church because of what a pastor may have done. That's putting your faith and trust in a man (the pastor) and not in God.
In order for me to do what God wants me to do I would have to change my life. I would have to put others before the troubles in my life. I don't know if my family could handle that. But maybe that is exactly what they need. I can't continue to debate about this, because I believe it is urgent that I do what God wants me to do. I'm on a mission from God!
Saturday, March 19, 2016
The Change Starts With Me
We currently had our Spring Break this last week. I went away with our 2 youngest children to Colorado. I'm located in Kansas City. I took this week away from my marriage to do some self reflection and to figure some things out. And I have to say that, if you allow quiet time with God He will never let you down. God is the best therapist and will reveal things to you about you if you just open your heart, ears, and mind to Him. But you will have to slow down your thinking to hear Him.
I personally have many "conversations" with The Lord. I have them when I'm cooking, cleaning, or even driving. This week in particular, allowed me to slow down and pray to my Lord. I needed Him to guide me through this struggle I'm having within myself.
I keep saying how we are only responsible for our own actions, and now it was time for me to eat my words. Mike and I do not have a healthy way of fighting. We are still trying to figure out what we are doing wrong when we fight, but not willing to take responsibility for our actions during the fights.
Here's How We Fight:
I get upset about something, Mike blows me off, I get mad, Mike blows me off again, because I'm getting aggressive and inside it's making him uncomfortable. This makes me more mad and then completely blow up. And then word vomit comes up. I say stupid horrible things I really don't mean, but say it anyway. I will say anything at this point, because I'm searching for some sort of reaction from him. I need to know that he is engaged in this conversation (or marriage for that matter). These fights bring up those feelings of fear, anxiousness, hopelessness, and doom. These are the fights that go on for days and our feelings get rubbed so raw I swear they are bleeding.
What God revealed to me was that I can't behave like that anymore. I have to be responsible for MY behavior. Since we have been in therapy I have found out that Mike "retreats" when I yell because of some personal issues he has. So if I loved him why would I continue to yell at him? I'm not going to yell anymore! I'm going to be responsible for myself and I don't like who I am when I get out of control like that. I wouldn't want him yelling at me like that so why would I do that to him? NO MORE!
I have apologized to Mike so much. I have told to Mike how God explained to me that if I were to change places with Mike and he was me, how would I feel? I'm here to tell you the answer was not good. I was humiliated. I have not been nice to Mike! I have been this loud, out-of-control, yelling wife that he really doesn't like. Why would he? I wouldn't either! So here I am writing how I want him to change...blah blah blah. The change needs to start with me!
I am only responsible for myself, my choices, and my changes. If Mike wants to change that is up to him. But after we talked about this, and I have owned my behavior, things are changing. I believe we are going to make it. But it is going to be hard work. Mike said that he is all in, I believe him...for the first time...I Trust Him.
I personally have many "conversations" with The Lord. I have them when I'm cooking, cleaning, or even driving. This week in particular, allowed me to slow down and pray to my Lord. I needed Him to guide me through this struggle I'm having within myself.
I keep saying how we are only responsible for our own actions, and now it was time for me to eat my words. Mike and I do not have a healthy way of fighting. We are still trying to figure out what we are doing wrong when we fight, but not willing to take responsibility for our actions during the fights.
Here's How We Fight:
I get upset about something, Mike blows me off, I get mad, Mike blows me off again, because I'm getting aggressive and inside it's making him uncomfortable. This makes me more mad and then completely blow up. And then word vomit comes up. I say stupid horrible things I really don't mean, but say it anyway. I will say anything at this point, because I'm searching for some sort of reaction from him. I need to know that he is engaged in this conversation (or marriage for that matter). These fights bring up those feelings of fear, anxiousness, hopelessness, and doom. These are the fights that go on for days and our feelings get rubbed so raw I swear they are bleeding.
What God revealed to me was that I can't behave like that anymore. I have to be responsible for MY behavior. Since we have been in therapy I have found out that Mike "retreats" when I yell because of some personal issues he has. So if I loved him why would I continue to yell at him? I'm not going to yell anymore! I'm going to be responsible for myself and I don't like who I am when I get out of control like that. I wouldn't want him yelling at me like that so why would I do that to him? NO MORE!
I have apologized to Mike so much. I have told to Mike how God explained to me that if I were to change places with Mike and he was me, how would I feel? I'm here to tell you the answer was not good. I was humiliated. I have not been nice to Mike! I have been this loud, out-of-control, yelling wife that he really doesn't like. Why would he? I wouldn't either! So here I am writing how I want him to change...blah blah blah. The change needs to start with me!
I am only responsible for myself, my choices, and my changes. If Mike wants to change that is up to him. But after we talked about this, and I have owned my behavior, things are changing. I believe we are going to make it. But it is going to be hard work. Mike said that he is all in, I believe him...for the first time...I Trust Him.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
The Fruits Of Our Labors
Oh my gosh was today ever so hard! We went to counselling today and it was painful. Just down right painful and raw. Our therapist said that we will be doing 40% of the work in the office and 60% at home. I think it's more like 20:80.
We're only in that room for 1 hour. Just enough time to itch the "scab". Just enough time to make you aware that the wound was starting to heal. And you know when wounds start to heal they are uncomfortable. A wound will itch, flake, and sometimes catch on clothes. At times they'll bleed again. But no worries, that exposed opening will heal up over time. That is exactly what Mike and I are going through. We are wounded and every time we go to therapy we just irritate those wounds. We make each other cry and then we help each other heal. That is our 20:80
So today I had it. I feel so vulnerable and that is not a feeling I'm used to. I am so scared to completely love Mike again, only to be hurt again. The way Mike and I fight is; we go right from "I'm mad" to "I want a divorce". There is no gray area. There never has been. So my fear is that if I let my guard down with Mike and I get hurt again then we are going to have to do this whole song and dance with the "divorce" word. Because we have no in-between. It's all or nothing. We just realized after 28 years of being together with 24 of them being married. There is a gray area in fighting, we just didn't know about it.
Mike has always told me that he can "cut people off" if they do something that he doesn't agree with. That has always frightened me. Because in my head, that means that he can cut me off also. And I don't want to be "abandoned" by the man I love so much. And he says he loves me too. But if he says that he loves me in one sentence how come he always says "if you do this or that I'm out of here". I hate it. He always says that if me or the kids, let's say do drugs or become a democrat, he will say he will leave. It might sound harmless, but I heard it a lot. It made me think my marriage was not solid. And my husband can leave me at anytime, even though he hasn't, he says he can. It's not a fun place to be, even though I didn't know I was there. It was just a way of life.
But in Mike's defense, he grew up with that. He grew up with his father saying to his mother, "If you don't like it there's the door." And I just found that out...today! And his father grew up with his father doing the same crap to him. Only Mike's Grandfather added cheater to his resume. And I guess Mike's Dad would catch his Dad (Mike's Grandfather) cheating. The Grandfather would give him "hush money". So we raise our children with the crap that our parents were raised with. It's a horrible cycle. But it's a real one.
If Mike was going to leave me he would have. That phrase means nothing to him, he was raised with it. The same goes for him. I know I say stuff that bothers him that I was raised with. He had no idea how much it scared me inside. First off, I never told him. I could have put my "big girl pants" on and said how that makes me feel. But instead I chose to live in fear. That my friends is the work of the devil. Fear is the work of the devil, and I was full of fear and still have a little bit.
I don't want anyone to think that Mike is this big jerk, because he's not! He's has stayed wit me and put up with a lot over the years. I will never know how to repay him for that. We each bring our own issues to this marriage. And our 24 years of marriage have been full of chaos. Now it's time to let Go and Let God. And that is just what we are doing, and we are Seeing The Fruits Of Our Labors.
We're only in that room for 1 hour. Just enough time to itch the "scab". Just enough time to make you aware that the wound was starting to heal. And you know when wounds start to heal they are uncomfortable. A wound will itch, flake, and sometimes catch on clothes. At times they'll bleed again. But no worries, that exposed opening will heal up over time. That is exactly what Mike and I are going through. We are wounded and every time we go to therapy we just irritate those wounds. We make each other cry and then we help each other heal. That is our 20:80
So today I had it. I feel so vulnerable and that is not a feeling I'm used to. I am so scared to completely love Mike again, only to be hurt again. The way Mike and I fight is; we go right from "I'm mad" to "I want a divorce". There is no gray area. There never has been. So my fear is that if I let my guard down with Mike and I get hurt again then we are going to have to do this whole song and dance with the "divorce" word. Because we have no in-between. It's all or nothing. We just realized after 28 years of being together with 24 of them being married. There is a gray area in fighting, we just didn't know about it.
Mike has always told me that he can "cut people off" if they do something that he doesn't agree with. That has always frightened me. Because in my head, that means that he can cut me off also. And I don't want to be "abandoned" by the man I love so much. And he says he loves me too. But if he says that he loves me in one sentence how come he always says "if you do this or that I'm out of here". I hate it. He always says that if me or the kids, let's say do drugs or become a democrat, he will say he will leave. It might sound harmless, but I heard it a lot. It made me think my marriage was not solid. And my husband can leave me at anytime, even though he hasn't, he says he can. It's not a fun place to be, even though I didn't know I was there. It was just a way of life.
But in Mike's defense, he grew up with that. He grew up with his father saying to his mother, "If you don't like it there's the door." And I just found that out...today! And his father grew up with his father doing the same crap to him. Only Mike's Grandfather added cheater to his resume. And I guess Mike's Dad would catch his Dad (Mike's Grandfather) cheating. The Grandfather would give him "hush money". So we raise our children with the crap that our parents were raised with. It's a horrible cycle. But it's a real one.
If Mike was going to leave me he would have. That phrase means nothing to him, he was raised with it. The same goes for him. I know I say stuff that bothers him that I was raised with. He had no idea how much it scared me inside. First off, I never told him. I could have put my "big girl pants" on and said how that makes me feel. But instead I chose to live in fear. That my friends is the work of the devil. Fear is the work of the devil, and I was full of fear and still have a little bit.
I don't want anyone to think that Mike is this big jerk, because he's not! He's has stayed wit me and put up with a lot over the years. I will never know how to repay him for that. We each bring our own issues to this marriage. And our 24 years of marriage have been full of chaos. Now it's time to let Go and Let God. And that is just what we are doing, and we are Seeing The Fruits Of Our Labors.
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