Making God Easy

I’m not sure why following God has to be so hard. We have made Him so difficult and He has made Himself so easy. But isn’t that just like us? It’s in our nature to make a “mountain out of a mole hill”.

I started writing this Blog when Mike and I entered into marriage therapy. I wanted to write about our journey. I wanted to let everyone out there know that Mike and I single-handedly destroyed our marriage and then together with Jesus being our center rebuilt it.

Mike and I met back in 1988 and were married in 1992. We started marriage therapy February, 2016. We made a decision that everything that we did before 2/2016 has been forgiven and doesn’t matter anymore. We worked it out, and it was hard. (just read my blog) We are not the same people we were when we started therapy…Thank you Jesus!

But marriage is never all of a sudden fix and you get to rest.  OH NO MY FRIEND!

At midnight everything is erased…good and bad. Couples start every morning with a clean slate. It doesn’t matter if you bought a $100,000 car for your spouse the day before, at midnight it’s a new day and you have to start over again. That’s why you never go to bed mad, work that crap out.

This is just one of the survival tactics Mike and I have learned this past year.

I hope you enjoy my crazy life. God Bless

Married Couple + Jesus = Perfect Threesome

We all have in us a perfect blend of "Regina George, Cady Heron, Gretchen Wieners, Karen Smith", & let's not leave out "Janis Ian".  If you don't know who these characters are, these are cast members of, "Mean Girls". It's a cult classic. I would like to write about one scene which touched upon the part of the main problem of people. We tend to be the meanest to ourselves. And we don't even know it. Our Own Words Are Our Worst Enemies.

In the movie scene it shows "The Plastics" in front of a mirror saying the mean things about themselves. In the scene Regina George says she has "Man Shoulders" and another one says she has big pores. The main character, Cady Heron, had to learn about these "girl rules". Women are to verbally self mutilate.  When it was Cady's turn to say something mean about herself, she said she woke up she had bad breath, to prove she didn't understand the "verbal self mutilation"

Verbal self-mutilation is true and it happens, I have caught myself doing it. But worse yet, in front of my children. They have stopped me from saying mean things about myself. But I'm showing them it's ok to do it. I have since tried so hard to stop saying mean things about myself.  I do catch myself right when I am about to self-verbal mutilate. It is habit forming, and it will be a slow death no worse than heroin or meth, in my opinion.

So first rule of survival is get your self image through Jesus Christ. First and foremost! You will never make it on your own or if you try to rely on this world. Don't get your identity through your work, family, body, worldly things. The only way to survive your time on earth is by surrendering your heart to Jesus, and then becoming a disciple of Jesus Christ. And that means different things for different people.

Second rule, read the Word (Bible). Be excited to spend time with The Father. He is excited to spend the time with you.  The Bible is like a text message, remember the Words and Phrases in Red are ALWAYS spoken with LOVE.

Everything I'm writing about now is sort of an intro to what I'm about to tell you with what's going on with my family right now. We have been going through some major changes and I would like to share them with you all. First I would like to brag about my daughters.

Oh my daughters.... my loves.....total and complete opposites!  And that is what's so cool about them. I am so completely amazed and in love with them. They never make me stop laughing.  These two are best friends and I couldn't be more proud. I don't know how many mom's get to say their daughters are best friends with each other?!? I am so blessed that I do. Thank you girls! This is the best gift ever!

But here's the deal....

You see, our family is in an almost emergency situation with my father-in-law's health.  And my mother-in-law needs help like yesterday. Being the service family (Mike calls us that) we are, we decided to move out of state and 1 block over from my in-laws. Now I'm sure some of you will be reading this and cringing right about now, but I lucked out when it came to in-laws. I truly love my mother and father in-law.

But here's what's different about this move and our life now, Mike is leading our family. He is leading us with Grace into this new chapter. He is being the husband and father that he would'a, should'a, could'a been....I believe he will be husband, father, leader, I never let him be. I didn't trust him, because I didn't trust God.

We are doing this move the right way, the Biblical way. We are asking God to lead us, and speaking words of Hope. Of course we're praying, asking for the Holy Spirit to guide us in EVERYTHING! We are being careful with our words, only speaking words of Grace, Love, and Hope. We have never lived our lives like this before...ever.

I think that 24 years ago this is how I was supposed to feel on the day I made my wedding vows. I don't believe I ever truly cut my "apron strings" with my parents until we bought this house last weekend! For the first time in our marriage, NO WAIT, for the first time in our relationship, "I'm truly understanding what it feels like to be Yoked" with my husband...and it feels.....overwhelming!

I don't have that pressure on Mike to try to live up to my expectations, which are unrealistic. I don't have the anxiety of trying to control Mike or my children anymore.  I took the focus off the imperfections in myself and others and put my focus on Jesus. He is the only Perfect One out there.

Mike and I can love Jesus with all of  our mind, body, and soul. All of us are in this marriage.  In fact, it is the only time a threesome is allowed. Mike and I love Jesus together at the same time.. We are actually a stronger and healthier couple if we do include Jesus in our relationship! Thanks Be To God! In Jesus's Name, Amen
Might I invite you all to try it out some day?!?

I Believe In God With All My Heart, Because I Feel God With All My Heart

I would like to write about the Book of Jeremiah. For some reason this Book in the Bible has caught my heart this week. First off, Jeremiah was older when God began talking to him. But when Jeremiah DID start listening to the Lord...it was "Bible-Writing Worthy" . If you know what I'm talking about?!?!?! Here is some of my favorite verses... 

Jeremiah 1:5-8 ,The Message

This is what God said:

5 “Before I shaped you in the womb,
    I knew all about you.
Before you saw the light of day,
    I had holy plans for you:
A prophet to the nations—    that’s what I had in mind for you.”

-That verse is proof God knew how He was going to individually create every single nook and cranny of you before you were born. God also created us with a purpose. Jeremiah's purpose was to be a prophet. Do you know what your purpose is? 
The only way we find our purpose is through a close relationship with God. And how do you get that? You ask? It starts with Salvation. Just like I wrote in my previous Blog...
 http://li2w.blogspot.com/2016/09/2-sides-to-being-born.html
From there the "mustard seed" has been planted and you get in the Word, pray, find a good church that does an invitation every single service, and forgive yourself of your past (that is the most important!)

6 But I said, “Hold it, Master God! Look at me.
    I don’t know anything. I’m only a boy!”

-Typical response, wouldn't you say???? I think mine have been, "Are you sure God?", "Do I really have to?" and "I'm not worthy". That is just the devil seeing an opening to do his work. It's so important at those times to concentrate on The Holy Spirit. Ask The Holy Spirit to "fill up the place around you and calm your heart". He will, right then and there. That is what Faith is. And God giving you the calmness is Grace. 

7-8 God told me, “Don’t say, ‘I’m only a boy.’
    I’ll tell you where to go and you’ll go there.
I’ll tell you what to say and you’ll say it.
    Don’t be afraid of a soul.
I’ll be right there, looking after you.”
    God’s Decree.

-I don't know about you, but when I read, “Don’t say, ‘I’m only a boy.’ I tend to cringe. The one person you don't want to make mad is God, and it sounded like Jeremiah made Him a bit testy. But God didn't get mad, He gave Jeremiah encouragement and love. That is what God Is. He is Love, Encouragement, and any other positive word you can think of. 

    God comforts us in verses 7-8 by telling us we don't have to be anxious about anything. God is talking to Jeremiah, but really, the Bible is for all of us to learn and live by.  Do you all understand that? This story is about Jeremiah, but God does this for everyone that is Saved and who believes in Him. 

    It is my belief that people tend not to believe in God because it's a control thing. I think people correlate God with control. But in all reality, God is just the opposite. He gave us the gift of "Free Will". He understands that we only control ourselves. And still loves us anyway.
    But when we decide to let go of the control, and hand our hearts over to Jesus, God's Grace is like falling on a gurney when you're absolutely exhausted.  Jesus will carry us through any hard times or traumatic events, and make those devastating times "doable". He says, "Don’t be afraid of a soul. I’ll be right there, looking after you.” I believe that with all my heart, because I have felt that with all my heart.
   I love these next verses..."hand-delivered" 

9-10 God reached out, touched my mouth, and said,
    “Look! I’ve just put my words in your mouth—hand-delivered!
See what I’ve done? I’ve given you a job to do
    among nations and governments—a red-letter day!
Your job is to pull up and tear down,
    take apart and demolish,
And then start over,
    building and planting.”

-This is when I think that God is a funny guy. When God reaches out and touches Jeremiah's lips and then says His words where, "Hand-Delivered". That's funny! I love the fact that (I like to think) My God has a sense of humor, or has given me one. Ha Ha! The "Red-Letter Day"   means a holiday. That's how I'm going to read it. A celebration! Jeremiah has his purpose. And finally knows it! Praise Jesus!

    

There are so many reasons to want to turn our lives over to God. He makes life livable. God never lets you forget your purpose, and everyone has a purpose. 



Thank you to all the Missionaries out there preaching God's word and getting people saved. Combine that with God's gift of Salvation... and you get God's Grace. Praise Jesus! 

In Jesus's Name, Amen 

#MakingGodEasy

2-Sides To Being Born?!?!?!

I would like to explain what it means to be "Born Again". It's my understanding that some people get the meaning of "Being Saved" and "Born Again" all mixed up.  That's ok, I get it.  It's our job to get God's Message out about Salvation to the world. Our purpose to help people to be choose to be"Born Again". But first let me explain what "Born Again" means in the most simple of terms. So first, let's ask God to open our heart's to understand this message please & thank you. In Jesus's Name, Amen.

If you have been following and reading my Blogs then you know that I constantly talk about how there's  ALWAYS 2-sides to everything. If there is a front then there's a back, if there is a heads then there's a tails, same with up and down, & so on. But what some people don't know is that we have an
inside and an outside. And I don't mean "skin and bones" and "stomach and heart". Yes, DUH! We have internal organs and external organs. What I'm talking about is our inside and outside is our: body and soul. The body and the soul are each other's 2-sides...and we all have them.

Have you ever had a person who picked on you or hurt you in some way? Have you caught yourself saying how that person was "ugly on the inside" even though they might be beautiful on the outside? Well, yes that person IS probably ugly on the inside. Their soul is damaged. Maybe there is some anger the mind has not let go of. Or maybe that person doesn't know Jesus yet? Those people that need the most love and prayer.

Unfortunately, for their victims, that may be the last thing in the world they want to do. I know that feeling personally. But when you tell God that your pain is too much and please take it, He Will. When we go through hard times, that is the time God wants us to rely on Him the most. But  unfortunately some people need someone to blame and they blame God instead of asking God to help with the pain. They yell and blame for God the pain instead of asking God to help them get through it. I can testify that so far in my life God has not let me down, and I don't expect He Will.

I'm going to break down the phrase "Born Again". Let's start with the word "Born". "Born" is also 2-sided, like up and down. The First side of "Born" is our body being born out of the womb. Very scientific, no one can argue with it, it's a fact. Babies are born from their mother's womb.

The Second side of "Born" is when we choose for our inner body (soul) to be born of Jesus. This is what it means to be a "Child of God". With making that choice, you are choosing to live your eternal life in Heaven with God the Father.  This mean your "soul" gets "Born Again". And I'm telling you right now... you will feel so much better. Life is so much easier with Jesus! There is no other feeling like Jesus!  When we choose and declare out loud that, "Jesus is the Son of God,   Jesus was the only person born of a Virgin,  He came down to earth to be our Sacrifice.  When Jesus died He took away our sins when He died on the Cross." In Jesus's Name, Amen. You say that, You believe that, You are BORN AGAIN!


Moving onto the word "Again" in this context means you made a choice to be washed clean by the Blood of Jesus. When you hand over your life to Christ,  right then and there "your past does not matter, I have Taken It Away". You are washed clean by the Blood of Jesus. So in fact you are being born twice. So the word again actually means twice. You are born once by your mother (body) then you choose to be Born Again (twice) by the Blood of Jesus. Even if you have only a little belief in this theory, God hears you. He knows what the Faith of a mustard seed can do.



It's very important that we do the job that we are truly created to do while here on earth and that is to get as many people's souls "Born Again". That's It! If you want to know what your "purpose is"? Start searching for Jesus and how you can tell people around you about Him.


 All I can say is Love conquerors all.

Why Does Coming Clean Feel So Dirty?

I've seen how people pile their own crap on other people. You know what I mean, throwing our own insecurities on the people we love. Sometimes insecurities are justifiable and sometimes they're not. For example, when you're insecure about cheating, only because you're a cheater. That is what I call "throwing our own crap on other people". And unfortunately, just about everyone puts their insecurity on others. Especially couples, married or not, almost every couple does it. If you don't, God Bless you, you are either in denial or you're blessed...ignorance is bliss.

In my past Blogs I have written about Mike's huge money issues. How he's always afraid that we never have any money, and how he's always hidden money from me. His love and fear for money consumes him always. So much that it has clouded his judgement in how he brings money home. He was accepting construction side jobs for single female coworkers.  

He would work on these houses without an "accountability buddy". If you are a monogamous married couple you know what I'm talking about. It's someone to account for your actions. And to top it off, he wouldn't even ask me if I was OK with him accepting these side jobs. In his eyes it shouldn't matter because "we need money!".  He would think nothing of it. But in reality,  never should a married man be alone with any woman. It's an accountability issue.

I don't know if anything happened. He says nothing ever happened. OK, that's fine nothing happened. But he can't prove that. Just like he can't prove that something did happen. I'm going on blind trust. Until recently I just wasn't willing to do that.  Because I was the one with the secret. I was the one who couldn't be trusted. Because I was the one with the trust issue. Trust is my crap. Mike was the one hiding money. Mike has money issues. Money is his crap. Now if we could get through all this crap we'll be golden!

The truth,  I WAS untrustworthy. I had many secrets from Mike, and those secrets were slowing killing our relationship... and me. I think I always knew that, but I never had the courage to tell him. I was scared to grow up and take responsibility for my own crap.

First and always I lean on Jesus, instead of Mike, for my self acceptance. I can get through anything with Jesus, because Jesus has been with me so far. And I've survived my life thus far. Jesus will be with me forever!

_________________________________________________________________

Before I completely handed over all my shame to God, I was willing to take all my secrets to the grave. I thought that if Mike ever knew these secrets about me, he would for sure leave me and hate me forever. But that was all about me, I wasn't even giving Mike a chance. Because I thought I was dirty, even though I asked God for forgiveness, and I knew He forgave me. I don't believe I ever forgave myself until recently. Until I finally understood why Jesus died on the cross for "me" and "you". That's when I was truly free.

 When I visualize Jesus on the Cross, I  see myself taking each shameful thing about me and I lay it on Him. Then He takes it away from me. That is why He died, so we don't have to live with shame! Praise Jesus!

Mike has always been a "solid" person in my eyes. I like to tease him and call him "Perfect Mike". Because it's like he never does anything wrong. He's calm, or appears to be, and he's funny, and did I mention he's handsome. Oh yeah, he's super good looking. Mike's 6 years older than me, so I think maybe I look up to him. He happens to be a very distinguished man, and I know I'm extremely lucky. He's always ready to crack a joke, and when he does watch out because he is hilarious.

Our therapist told me when I talk I look at Mike.  Almost like I'm looking for approval. Maybe it is approval? I think I just want to make sure he hears me. I don't feel like he notices or hears me all the time. He gets lost in his head a lot. He's quiet, some call it shy. But he's a thinker.

This is what I think it's like to be Mike; he has the conversations in his head he should be having in real life. And sometimes he gets confused and thinks he actually had that conversation. Sometimes he even forgets to talk out instructions with me.  Because he just talked it out with me in his head. But that only happens if I let him think too long. Which I have learned not to do. I love this man

I hope I'm not making him sound crazy, he's not at all. He's actually very brilliant. He effortlessly convinces people to believe in themselves. He encourages people to do the right thing independently. Mike is a no-nonsense kind of guy.  He has incredible ideas and dreams and his faith in God is boundless. Mike is the one that has kept our family together, he is our strength. I believe that I'm blessed to have found my soulmate for life. He is quick to forgive and forget...Mike is my husband.

"Sister's Close"

Do you ever wonder why God puts people in our life? And then we become friends with these strangers. I mean we really bond with these people outside our family. I'm talking about  the "best friend" level kind of people. I'm lucky because I have one of these people in my life. And that makes me blessed.

Sometimes you meet these friends when you're in college or living in the suburbs. You'll be you're in your mid 20's or early 30's.  But here's the kicker...You'll have about 8-10 friends at this time but only about 1 or 2 will hang in there for your lifetime. But the good news is these are the friends that you will consider family. These best friends are true gifts from God.

My best friend is named "Lisa". (It's not but, I'm going to give her some privacy. hahaha) We have been friends since 2002. That is when her family moved about 2 houses down from us. Two of her three children were the same age as my 2 youngest children. To this day 2 of our boys are still extremely close, like brothers close. As for Lisa and I, we are "Sister's Close".

That's really nice for me because I don't talk to my sisters anymore. (which is a Blog itself) Lisa has taken my sister spot for me. It's so nice to have a friend that is willing to take on that role, and never asking anything back. She doesn't even know how much she means to me. As far as she knows she is just a someone I call "my only friend". Because she is my only friend. Lisa is truly the only person I hang out with outside of my family.

The thing that makes us so great is that we don't judge each other. We just don't. She is my first adult friendship, and it is so nice. I know secrets about her and she knows secrets about me and we just accept each other, without judgement. How many other people can say that they have friends out there like that? I am blessed.

I have seen Lisa at a very low point and she has seen me through some very low times in my life. She was by my side after my suicide attempt. And I was right next to her during her divorce. Because that is what sisters do for each other. I don't know what I would do without her in my life. She is very important to me, and she doesn't even realize it. I just hope she feels the same about me. I want to be an energy giver and not sucker.

"Lisa" if you ever read this...please know that you are so important to me and to God. You are Light and Salt! You are an inspiration and a survivor. You make me laugh all the time with you stories. You are beautiful...especially when you smile! I love you Sister! Please always remember that!

My Time In Heaven...Part 2

I feel it's time for me to post about the 2nd part of "my time in Heaven" In case you need to catch up I have included the link to Part 1 on the bottom of this page. So please click on that that before you continue reading this...

I left off with me in (what Catholics call) "Purgatory". I call it "All Souls Place". My earthly body was dying but my soul is going to start healing in Heaven. You see, the way your body dies on earth is the way your soul heals in Heaven. When you hear people say, "my life flashed before my eyes" that is what happens when Jesus healed my mind up in the first level of Heaven. This is what I'm going to write about today...my time on what I call the "1st Level of Heaven".

I want to talk first about the cheering and the love I felt while being lifted out of the Lost Souls Area.
It was a loud roaring cheer.  But my ears could take it. Because it was a beautiful loud cheering that I wanted to hear, it was beautiful.  And I could feel the love and the smiles. You know when see someone out of the corner of your eye. And you just "know" that they are giving you that "welcoming" smile. Well, I felt millions x trillions x billions of those + countless amounts of love. That is how it felt for me to go from the Lost Souls Area to the 1st Level of Heaven.

In the 1st Level of Heaven, my grandmother Austa greeted me with my nephew, Luke, behind her. Luke wasn't first because of the rifted between my sister and I. (That is a blog for another time) I was shocked and humiliated that my Grandma Austa met me first because I didn't always treat her very well here on earth. But she was happy in Heaven. And she was well... I don't mean "well"...I mean "WELL!" I can't say if she had a body, per say, but I know that she was beyond happy with the way she was. If that makes sense.

When she was on earth she was always searching for a man. My grandfather treated Austa and my father terrible. But my grandfather did Austa dirty. Because he cheated on her all the time. He would even bring his girlfriends home to meet her. She had horrible self worth and self esteem. Even though she was outgoing. Our relationship was always on the rocks. She was always making me upset with her words.  Such petty things, really. But she always loved me, and I never knew that, until I died.

I want you all to know that while I was up there on the 1st Level of Heaven I know Jesus was with me the whole time.Some might question how Jesus can be with everyone at once. My answer..He Can!.. He is God, and He Can. That is part of believing in Him and having Faith.



(Dear Lord, I hope this part of my blog describes Heaven to Your Will. And does it justice. I pray that it blesses others. And I pray that it pleases You. In Jesus's Name. Amen)

http://li2w.blogspot.com/2016/07/that-was-day-i-diedpurgatory-part-1.html.

#MakingGodEasy

Dear Lion, The Hardest Part About Forgiveness Is Realizing What The Past Could Have Been

Dear Lion,

My heart is broken. I'm sad beyond belief. Why did we wait so long to forgive and trust each other? The hardest part about forgiving is forgetting about what the past "could have been".  I now know how great our relationship could have been. And that makes me mourn over the fact that we waited 27.5 years to get to this point. I'm not upset because of the silly things I've accused you of doing. Because I'm accusing you of things that I don't want to be true.

I'm confused because I know what I have now. So how can we still have these hang ups? We have learned so much about each other over last 15 weeks. We have learned this new respect and love that I never thought I would feel with you. I understand and respect the way I need to approach you with confrontational things. I am doing the best I can do right now. I'm changing and it will get better with time. With all of this... Why then do I feel like we are at the beginning?

I would say our biggest hang ups are; me accusing you of being untruthful and you accuse me of recklessly spending. Those are our biggest hang ups. But Lion, if you really look at this both of these fears are within us. These are ours fears. We are just pawning our fears off on each other. When we look deeper into our arguments, we are really just arguing with ourselves. We need to love ourselves and forgive ourselves first before we can forgive each other.

I have accused you of being deceitful towards me so many times, I'm sorry, it wasn't you I was accusing of being deceitful...it was me. I am the one who lies in this relationship, not you. I have lied to you over and over again and you just roll with it. I'm so sorry. I don't want to like that anymore. Thank you for the grace you've showed me over the years. I'm sorry I've lied to you. But you know everything now.

I have been careless with money, too. That is where I've been most reckless with your heart. I handle money so much better now, and I'm showing you. The problem is, the damage is already done.  But like I've always said there is always 2-sides to every story. You hid money from your family. I sort of understand why you did it. You thought that I would blow it, but when you're raising a family of 6, there will be co-pays, clothing needs, and food needs. So money will to be spent. So when you hide hundreds of dollars from your family (that has $2) Yes I will get a credit card. But! I did mishandle that credit card. So we all lost in the end.

We are living with the sins of our upbringings. I don't want our children to be the products of our last 27.5 years. So let's change this cycle. We need to recognize the past, forgive each other, and then Let God handle it from there. God has lead us through this healing process. He is not going to let the past defeat us. Lion, we are to build each other up and encourage each other. I have not been doing that for you...Please forgive me.

 If we could get over these insecurities within us we could rule the world. Ha Ha.

I Wear Black Because I'm..."Blindly In Love With God"

A couple times in therapy the topic of my choice of clothing has come up. I wear a lot of black. I mean a lot. Pretty much only black. But I know how to put it together. I have many years of experience as a personal shopper. I look appropriate, I promise.

But I prefer to have black on and I prefer for my upper body to be covered. I don't mean headdress and veil, I mean I don't wear sleeveless shirts. I like my upper arms to be covered at all times. My arms have always been an insecurity for me. Even when I was a triathlete and had 11% body fat, I still thought my arms were fat. (That is my own demon) They weren't, and probably aren't now, but I feel that way.

So I prefer shirts that are 3/4 sleeves or right above the elbow and I don't like low necked shirts. That is just me, I have always been that way. I guess the word for it is modest. I don't like shorts, I wear crop pants and I hate jeans! I can't drive that point home anymore than that....I HATE JEANS!!! They are so uncomfortable and confiding.

My pants are 98% of the time black, solid black. If my shirts have a print, it's either stripes or polka dots. Thinking about it I have to laugh at myself, because if you were to look in my closet that is honestly what you'll see...stripes, dots, black, and white. But what does all this mean?

Mike and our therapist seems to think it means something!

But here's my take on it, since it is about me....

I think me wearing black all the time is about feeling humility and growth. It's about humility because I don't want to to be the center of attention anymore. So maybe I feel that wearing black will help me be in the background. Kind of like how hairdressers where black so when they are cutting your hair you're concentrating on your hair and not their outfits. Hairdressers are to be in the background while they are taking care of you by cutting your hair. God Bless Hairdressers.

I believe my place in life now is in the background now.  Something changed with me after 1/5/16. When I came back from Heaven, God blessed me with things that people, pastors, and family just doesn't understand. And I have a hard time accepting that. Because I want to be accepted.  I am wanting to follow what is socially acceptable. But instead I have decided to completely and blindly following God... Maybe that is reason why I wear black, I feel like I'm "Blindly In Love With God".  

The growth part is, I wore pinks and blues when I was a child and in high school. I'm not that person anymore. I really feel that way now. This year I have been through so much, and I believe that I have really grown up. And when that happens it benefits some people in your life and it takes away from others.

What I mean by benefit and take away is that I have grown up in our finances, our relationship, and my emotions. I believe Mike have really seen the value and worth in each other.

We had to revisit the past to see how we got to this point, and it wasn't always fun.

There were, are, & and will be great times. We had to go back to the night we met to realize why we picked each other. That was a turning point for me in therapy.

I remembered why Mike became my "go to guy".  I now see us growing old together.

We Don't Trust Each Other & Honestly...We Shouldn't

First off I would like to thank anyone whom is following me on a regular basis. By my stats it's all 2 of you. So thank you so much. I'm not a writer, as you all can tell by my writings. haha. But I am real, and I do have a story. So thank you for reading my Blog. I do really do appreciate you wanting taking time out and reading something I have to say. It really means a lot to me. God Bless you.

Today in therapy I was served a nice piece of humble pie. Today the tables got turned on me and I was the one doing wrong. I was the one having to defend myself. I feel like Mike has felt this way for the last 15 weeks. It's not a fun position to be in. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to get up from that couch an run out of that room. But I didn't and I'm giving me one point towards "adulthood" for that.

The reason we sought out counselling in the first place is because of me accusing Mike of cheating on me multiple times. It was time we tried  this whole "marriage counselling" thing again. We tried once before but our hearts weren't ready to forgive. Or maybe we weren't ready to become adults? This time we told each other that God was going to lead this, not us. So far, we have let Him. Jesus has not let us down. We are healing.

The real problem with our marriage, the one that no one was dealing with, is TRUST. We don't trust each other. I believe there are several reasons for that. Mike and I are surrounded by families that are either divorced or going through a divorce. Mostly because of infidelity. And when you see your friend (the one with the perfect family) going through a divorce due infidelity, it shakes you. I start thinking it could happen to Mike and I.

I feel vulnerable, and that is not a fun feeling.  But here's why; Mike has to depend on me not to cheat on him. I have to depend on Mike not to cheat on me. It's a control issue. I'll admit it, I can be humble at time. haha. I can't control Mike and he can't control me. I can only control my Faith that Jesus will watch out over Mike. Jesus will always be my comfort in my life. I have to take Mike to the alter and hand him over to Jesus. I have to stop being his "Holy Spirit". Mike is in control of Mike and vise versa.

Personally I don't blame us for not trusting each other. I look at the way we treat each other with things. He hides making money from me and I hide spending money from him. I hide things in my personal life and he hides his friends from me. We don't trust each other, and honestly...we shouldn't. I'm so ashamed we I look back and see how poorly we treated each other with money! I completely understand why we are the way we are now. I get why we don't trust each other.  My thinking was, "well, if Mike can hide money so well from me, what else can he hide?" It's all fear based and it's all the devil.

So today in therapy I had to tell Mike a secret of mine and of course it was on a day that our basement floods, our daughter's car is leaking oil, and Mike was on his own because I had our other daughter at the doctor's office. Oh, our son was sick and jobless and Mike said, "I couldn't even yell at him to get a job because he was sick".  Not a good morning for our therapist to tell me I have to tell my husband, that I'm trying to stay married to, that I have a secret. Not a big crazy life changing secret. And not a secret I wish to share...haha  So I told him, after about 1 solid minute of stuttering and looking at our therapist for a life vest, that she never threw out. She says, "It's best just to say exactly what it is".

I sat in that room for 40 minutes feeling like how Mike has felt for the last 15 weeks. He told me how he doesn't trust me, and I get it. But he didn't yell, he's not like that. Where I am. I love that about Mike, he is so meek. Meek means a Controlled Strength. How cool is that! That is my Lion. I am amazed how strong my husband is that he was able to take 15 weeks of therapy feeling like I did this last one. I'm learning to trust Mike a little a day. But as the days go on I feel this momentum in my heart opening up to him.

Maybe I fought Mike so hard because he has really nice qualities? Ones I don't have. You know how they say opposites attract? I believe that. I loved Mike because he was calm and strong. And he loved me because I was outgoing and passionate. At the same time I'm loving those qualities about Mike, I'm envious.  I'm jealous that being calm doesn't come naturally to me, but Mike's as cool as a cucumber.  I'm always wanting what I can't have, even if it is my spouse's personality. haha