I Can't Keep Up With Him, But I Can Take Care Of Him

My husband works like a dog. I mean I honestly think he works in his dreams. And it makes me feel so guilty because I don't have that same energy or drive to keep up with him. But I don't think I'm supposed to. I believe that is the way that God designed us. Men are supposed to have all this energy to care for their families, we now call it ADHD. Women are to be calm in taking care of their family at home. I know that I have written about this before, but I believe so strongly about this.

Mike is on vacation this week. And his "vacation" is doing side jobs in 100+ degree weather. And I can't thank him enough for it. He's taking care of his family this way. I bring in money every month also, so before you tell me to get a job....there is a reason for this....

       Back in February, 2011 I fell on the ice backwards in our driveway. Mike and I were fighting over who was going to go get the mail. It was better that I fell than him because he is the "bread winner" of the family. I was working full time at the time as a freight broker and I loved my job...Loved it! But that fall that evening caused my brain to jar loose and hit the back of my skull. Which caused me to suffer a massive concussion, 3 days of amnesia, and finally on the 4th day I woke up with the worst headache ever. Mike took me to the ER for scans, no bleeds thank God. But that is when I started loosing the ability to walk, talk, and my short term memory. I had to go through physical therapy and occupational therapy. Then about 10 days after my accident I was laid off, I got that call during one of my physical therapy sessions. I had to keep a notebook with me at all times to write down my daily chores and check them off after I did them. For example, showering. I would forget if I did it otherwise. This went on for over a year. 
     Let me tell you what kind of support I felt I was getting from my husband at the time of all this. NONE! This is when we were in "that house" and living separate lives under one roof. We were just going through the motions of a marriage. But inside we were each dying to be loved by the other. He didn't understand what happened to me. I can't even image what Mike went through to go from having a wife that was the "Life of the Party" to having one that could hardly speak or walked funny.      Then when I looked fine on the outside, the inside was not working. I felt Mike didn't understand. Maybe he was hurting also? I felt very pushed by him to go get a job again. But I couldn't, my brain didn't work like it used to. It still doesn't. But that isn't to say it doesn't work better in different ways. So now I'm disabled. I have worked little part time jobs, and am currently looking to start that up again.
     BUT! If that accident were to  happen now (with the way our marriage is now) I know the communication and support would be so different. I want to think that we would take care of each other instead of taking care of ourselves. Mike is not the person he was 6 years ago. And I know I'm not that person I was back then....haha. But I back to my main point....

Men are supposed to have ADHD! Thank God they do! Those ADHD boys are ones that grow up to become men that are the best providers. I find it is mostly the single moms that are trying to drug their little boys with legal meth...adderall. It scares me to think how passive and lazy our drugged up boys will grow up to become. But parents don't care because they don't "have to entertain" their children.

I can't keep up with Mike but I can make sure that he is fed and his clothes are clean. When I get to take care of Mike the way that God intended for me to...we have a balance. But Mike sometimes has a hard time with this. He is the one who wants me to go out and get a job. But I love cooking, cleaning, and caring for my family. And when I do work outside my house my family falls apart. And I Do bring in money, but not enough for the way that we are living. So we have to make some decisions. But in my defense...even if we lived "within our means" Mike would still do side jobs and work like a dog. That is just him and that is what I love about him. And I know he loves me staying home (I've done it for 22 years). I think total I worked maybe 2-3 years full time and it was hard and Mike was in school full time so he was home. It was always so important to Mike and I that our children stay out of daycare. And they did! Praise God!

Dear Lion, You Are My Strength

Dear Lion,

I wanted to write you this letter to let you know publicly how much I love you. You are an amazing man and yesterday in therapy I think we saw each other for the first time in a long time. Today I have been in prayer asking God where did our marriage make that turn to start falling apart. And I think I know where. It was when we bought our last house. That was such a mistake and I now finally understand when you say that you work so hard to give me the things I want.

I feel like I have been such a hypocrite.  We fight about money and you spending too much time away working. And then you come back and say it the "working like crazy" is for me. "To keep me accustomed to the way I'm used to living." And then I would come back and say I have never asked for anything....and blah, blah, blah. Then it escalates and no one is listening to the other and I get "Big" and you go "Small".

Let me start by saying,  "I am so sorry"! I might not have said I wanted those things I do believe I "wanted" that house. I do believe I said we had to have it because of our growing family. And I believe that was the start of our demise. Of course good things happened in that house, but so many bad things happened. It was just a really hard time for us.

I'm so sorry for pushing and/or making you feel pushed into getting that house. It was a mistake, we both made it though. (I believe that would be the only "rewind button" I would push in my life) You had to have felt so much pressure in your life, both at work and at home. Then I started doing my sports and ignoring you. I had a hard time balancing family time and sport/race time. But you weren't a good role model for me then. You always picked work over us. So I took your lead and picked racing. Even though every time I was away from my family racing, all I wanted was to have you there. It wasn't fun racing and training by myself or with others.  We started that you have your friends and I have mine. Completely separate lives.

I don't want to be the "Life of the Party" anymore. I was giving people my energy that didn't deserve it. I know that sounds ugly, but I grew up.  I'm very picky about who I bring into my life. Maybe because I've been burned, maybe because the trials our family goes through, seems like on a monthly basis. It's almost embarrassing.  But look at you.... you don't need me to be the "Life of the Party". You have completely come out of your shell. You can totally hold a room...you really don't need me to do it for you anymore. I just wish you knew that.  You are my Lion! You are my Strength!

We both won and we are both one. Get it?!? You "hunted" me down 28 years ago, but I also got the King of the pride. Remember that!   I love you so much and I'm so excited to see just BE in this moment right now with you.