I Wear Black Because I'm..."Blindly In Love With God"

A couple times in therapy the topic of my choice of clothing has come up. I wear a lot of black. I mean a lot. Pretty much only black. But I know how to put it together. I have many years of experience as a personal shopper. I look appropriate, I promise.

But I prefer to have black on and I prefer for my upper body to be covered. I don't mean headdress and veil, I mean I don't wear sleeveless shirts. I like my upper arms to be covered at all times. My arms have always been an insecurity for me. Even when I was a triathlete and had 11% body fat, I still thought my arms were fat. (That is my own demon) They weren't, and probably aren't now, but I feel that way.

So I prefer shirts that are 3/4 sleeves or right above the elbow and I don't like low necked shirts. That is just me, I have always been that way. I guess the word for it is modest. I don't like shorts, I wear crop pants and I hate jeans! I can't drive that point home anymore than that....I HATE JEANS!!! They are so uncomfortable and confiding.

My pants are 98% of the time black, solid black. If my shirts have a print, it's either stripes or polka dots. Thinking about it I have to laugh at myself, because if you were to look in my closet that is honestly what you'll see...stripes, dots, black, and white. But what does all this mean?

Mike and our therapist seems to think it means something!

But here's my take on it, since it is about me....

I think me wearing black all the time is about feeling humility and growth. It's about humility because I don't want to to be the center of attention anymore. So maybe I feel that wearing black will help me be in the background. Kind of like how hairdressers where black so when they are cutting your hair you're concentrating on your hair and not their outfits. Hairdressers are to be in the background while they are taking care of you by cutting your hair. God Bless Hairdressers.

I believe my place in life now is in the background now.  Something changed with me after 1/5/16. When I came back from Heaven, God blessed me with things that people, pastors, and family just doesn't understand. And I have a hard time accepting that. Because I want to be accepted.  I am wanting to follow what is socially acceptable. But instead I have decided to completely and blindly following God... Maybe that is reason why I wear black, I feel like I'm "Blindly In Love With God".  

The growth part is, I wore pinks and blues when I was a child and in high school. I'm not that person anymore. I really feel that way now. This year I have been through so much, and I believe that I have really grown up. And when that happens it benefits some people in your life and it takes away from others.

What I mean by benefit and take away is that I have grown up in our finances, our relationship, and my emotions. I believe Mike have really seen the value and worth in each other.

We had to revisit the past to see how we got to this point, and it wasn't always fun.

There were, are, & and will be great times. We had to go back to the night we met to realize why we picked each other. That was a turning point for me in therapy.

I remembered why Mike became my "go to guy".  I now see us growing old together.

We Don't Trust Each Other & Honestly...We Shouldn't

First off I would like to thank anyone whom is following me on a regular basis. By my stats it's all 2 of you. So thank you so much. I'm not a writer, as you all can tell by my writings. haha. But I am real, and I do have a story. So thank you for reading my Blog. I do really do appreciate you wanting taking time out and reading something I have to say. It really means a lot to me. God Bless you.

Today in therapy I was served a nice piece of humble pie. Today the tables got turned on me and I was the one doing wrong. I was the one having to defend myself. I feel like Mike has felt this way for the last 15 weeks. It's not a fun position to be in. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to get up from that couch an run out of that room. But I didn't and I'm giving me one point towards "adulthood" for that.

The reason we sought out counselling in the first place is because of me accusing Mike of cheating on me multiple times. It was time we tried  this whole "marriage counselling" thing again. We tried once before but our hearts weren't ready to forgive. Or maybe we weren't ready to become adults? This time we told each other that God was going to lead this, not us. So far, we have let Him. Jesus has not let us down. We are healing.

The real problem with our marriage, the one that no one was dealing with, is TRUST. We don't trust each other. I believe there are several reasons for that. Mike and I are surrounded by families that are either divorced or going through a divorce. Mostly because of infidelity. And when you see your friend (the one with the perfect family) going through a divorce due infidelity, it shakes you. I start thinking it could happen to Mike and I.

I feel vulnerable, and that is not a fun feeling.  But here's why; Mike has to depend on me not to cheat on him. I have to depend on Mike not to cheat on me. It's a control issue. I'll admit it, I can be humble at time. haha. I can't control Mike and he can't control me. I can only control my Faith that Jesus will watch out over Mike. Jesus will always be my comfort in my life. I have to take Mike to the alter and hand him over to Jesus. I have to stop being his "Holy Spirit". Mike is in control of Mike and vise versa.

Personally I don't blame us for not trusting each other. I look at the way we treat each other with things. He hides making money from me and I hide spending money from him. I hide things in my personal life and he hides his friends from me. We don't trust each other, and honestly...we shouldn't. I'm so ashamed we I look back and see how poorly we treated each other with money! I completely understand why we are the way we are now. I get why we don't trust each other.  My thinking was, "well, if Mike can hide money so well from me, what else can he hide?" It's all fear based and it's all the devil.

So today in therapy I had to tell Mike a secret of mine and of course it was on a day that our basement floods, our daughter's car is leaking oil, and Mike was on his own because I had our other daughter at the doctor's office. Oh, our son was sick and jobless and Mike said, "I couldn't even yell at him to get a job because he was sick".  Not a good morning for our therapist to tell me I have to tell my husband, that I'm trying to stay married to, that I have a secret. Not a big crazy life changing secret. And not a secret I wish to share...haha  So I told him, after about 1 solid minute of stuttering and looking at our therapist for a life vest, that she never threw out. She says, "It's best just to say exactly what it is".

I sat in that room for 40 minutes feeling like how Mike has felt for the last 15 weeks. He told me how he doesn't trust me, and I get it. But he didn't yell, he's not like that. Where I am. I love that about Mike, he is so meek. Meek means a Controlled Strength. How cool is that! That is my Lion. I am amazed how strong my husband is that he was able to take 15 weeks of therapy feeling like I did this last one. I'm learning to trust Mike a little a day. But as the days go on I feel this momentum in my heart opening up to him.

Maybe I fought Mike so hard because he has really nice qualities? Ones I don't have. You know how they say opposites attract? I believe that. I loved Mike because he was calm and strong. And he loved me because I was outgoing and passionate. At the same time I'm loving those qualities about Mike, I'm envious.  I'm jealous that being calm doesn't come naturally to me, but Mike's as cool as a cucumber.  I'm always wanting what I can't have, even if it is my spouse's personality. haha

By The Blood Of Christ You Are Clean (Forgiven)

I remember when my biggest fear was my children not wearing their helmets when riding their bikes. Now that they're older the worries have become so much more life changing in terms of my children. For instance, I worry about them drinking and driving, I worry about them experimenting with chemical drugs, I worry about them getting hurt by the hands of someone evil. Those are good worries if I say so myself. Those are worries and fears that every parent in the United States has for their adult or "soon to become adult" children. Am I wrong?!? Nah...I think I'm pretty close to hitting the nail on the head.

But here's the deal...All those worries I just spoke of above are 100% out of my control. Not one of them can I do for my child. I can only hope and pray that while raising our children we were able to be examples to our children not to do those things. That is one thing you, yourself have control of....the way you behave and the things you speak. Our children are always watching Mike and I. They will either mock our parenting behavior or they will rebel against it.

That's why we all need God to be our Guide in life. Parents can't raise a child on their own, we aren't supposed to. We are called to surrender our children to God, and rely on God for guidance to raise decent human beings. But parents and people are not perfect, not even close. Every single one of us has flaws and are sinners, but God loves us anyway! (How cool is that!)

Life is so hard and Jesus is asking us to let Him into our hearts to help us make life easier.  Because love is so much easier than hate. Hate takes energy away from what's really important. I couldn't make my children surrender their hearts over to Jesus anymore than I could make my next door neighbor. It is a personal decision. But a very important one and one that can't be put off any longer.

I honestly don't understand why people are so hesitant to become saved, born again, or saying the prayer of salvation. If they understood what peace and calmness it brings to a person I believe people would be leaping over one another to get to the front of the church. I DO! I sometimes think that people if they accept Christ they will go blind or their big toe will fall off. I don't know? I think they think some body part is going to fall off of them and never grow back! HaHa!

A life with Jesus is nothing but AWESOME! I have panic attacks, not bad but I have my "times". I have suffered from 2 really bad panic attacks that sent me to the ER. Those were real bad, well I let them get that way. I feel so bad for people whom suffer with those kinds of attacks multiple times a day. Anxiety is truly horrible.

I think the worst part about panic attacks are you truly think you are having a heart attack, and the EKG says that your heart is fine,  and then you feel like a phony because you know you feel like you're dying. So right then is a double whammy! BOOM!!!  You are anxious and humiliated at the same time. Panic attacks are fear based. But you all know that. If we could get over the fear then we wouldn't be anxious...DUH!

I'm here to tell you that the fear is the devil and the cure is the Holy Spirit. Jesus died on the Cross for our sins, our family's sin, and for our children's sins. The most important thing right here and right now is to get right with Jesus and accept Him into your heart by acknowledging that He is The One and Only God and that He died on the Cross for Your Sins. Ask Jesus to forgive you for your sins and to help you to know the difference in wrong and right. Ask Jesus to live in your heart, In Jesus's Name, Amen.  By the Blood of Christ you are clean (forgiven)

A pastor at our church told me this today, he said, "The devil is a diva, and even when you are rebuking him, you are thinking about him". How brilliant was that! I've been going through some personal things myself and I have been waiting about a month to speak with this pastor, and today was the day. God is Great!

Taking Out The Human in Being "Human Beings"

You just don't know what is going on in someone's life. Especially in the world today. We base people's lives on a split second picture on Facebook. We think that if a picture shows a family smiling and laughing together then they must always be like that together. Then the devil puts those thoughts in your head of, "why can't my family be like their family"? And you're basing that judgement on that one picture, not knowing what was going on before or after that photo. We have put unrealistic expectations on our lives and can thank social media and the devil for those self depleting thoughts.

I think social media has broken up so many marriages it's unreal. I don't have very many friends, but I can tell you of the couple I do have, social media like Facebook and Snap Chat, have had a hand in the demise in their marriage.  And no one seems to pick up on this direct link? I don't get it!?!? If you know you are fighting over social media then delete it! But we are so addicted we would rather kill our marriages then our link to the outside world. What is that saying about us?

We have lost all sense of social skills and would rather "post a comment" and consider that communicating. A post is what we consider a real conversation with a human. We would never even think about calling someone on the phone! Having a real live phone call instead of a text message! That is why I think our marriages and families are falling apart. We have no idea how to speak with people face to face or even over the phone. We don't know how to have a conversation anymore without thinking someone is "taking up my space". We have taken out the human in being a "human beings".

I was trying to have a conversation with Mike the other night and he would NOT put down his phone. It was so frustrating. All he was doing was looking for cars for our daughter. Like a car was going to pop up in the 30 minutes we were talking? I had to tell him a good 4-5 times to put down his phone. Finally he did, but geezzzz! WoW! So that short 30 minute conversation ended up being a lot longer because we kept having to pause for him to put down his phone. His phone is like a security blanket. I tell my daughter that she replaced her thumb for her phone, and I truly believe that. But I'm just as bad when I go to bed. I love playing on my phone before I go to sleep.

Before we can even think about putting our phones and social media down we must first admit there is a problem. And that my friends is going to be a problem. People are addicted to social media and their phones. This has become an epidemic that no one wants to claim. I understand that electronics are helpful, I get that part. It's only when social media is abused. That's when it hurts others. Just like any other drug or addiction. Social media is an addiction that has been abused, and children and families are the victims. Maybe we need to have a SMA (Social Media Anonymous)? If it will keep our families together it needs to start.

Gossip..."Snakes in the Grass, Better Step on the Gas"

Have you ever been a victim of the dreaded "Gossip Circle"? I think everyone has been once in their life time. I'll tell you it can literally kill someone. I'm going to take it a bit farther. I believe it kills the very people that are the "Gossipers".  Honestly, the only reason someone gossips is so they don't have to look at their own life and how miserable it is. If the Gossiper speaks about other's lives and how crappy their lives are then they get to reflect off of their lives and concentrate on others. But this is not in a positive way, it is in a harmful and hurtful way.

But for some reason Gossipers always have people around them. They have tons of "friends". I think there is 2 reasons behind this. One is because they always have the scoop. And people always want to know what is going on. They don't care if it is true or not, it's just "what they heard". People hang around the Gossipers because they are like that "TMZ" TV show, but without the celebrities. It's people they know, which makes it even better. The second reason people hang around the Gossiper is because they want to make sure he/she is not gossiping about them. It's that old saying "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer". This pretty much sums up that whole saying.

So how does one handle being the victim of gossip? Then how does one handle being face to face with the "Gossip Circle"? Let's take the first one...How do you handle being the victim of gossip? First off, it's hurtful and it will break your heart. Because the people you thought were your friends will turn their backs on you and judge you right when you need them the most. So not only do you feel abandoned by your friends, they are all talking about you...to everyone...but you! The Lord said our tongues are wicked and He was right.

So with that, I say you always go to The Lord. Ask God what is true and what is not. Ask God to help you handle this with His Grace. Ask Him what is in your control and what is not. Because sometimes the gossip is not always completely false. I hate to say that, but no one wants to be judged. Gossip is not ever going to be completely true, but there could be a hint of truthiness to it.  Maybe there is something you could do better, and maybe not.

God wants us broken.  Sometimes being in that "Gossip Circle" and having your friends turn their backs on us is exactly what we need to be broken. That is exactly what we need to get right with God.  If those "friends" turn their backs on you in times of need (like mine did) maybe they weren't friends to begin with, and you really aren't out anything. They are really just doing you a favor by stepping out of your life now?!?! No one needs or deserves people like that.

How should you handle yourself when you are faced with being asked to partake in a "Gossip Circle"? This is what I have done and still do. When I worked I was confronted with this woman who just had it out for this other younger lady. So one day the older woman decided to tell me how the younger lady allegedly went out with this other man at work (a single guy) and blah blah blah. No big deal, especially to this married older woman. So I told this older woman, "I'm going to ask "so and so" if this is true". The older woman didn't know what to do. But I did. It caused a bit of a commotion. But so did the gossip!!! I was never asked to be part of her "Gossip Circle" again and the older woman had this unspoken respect for me.  I just won't allow it in my presence and it was known.

I don't have many friends. I have one true friend (outside of my family), I used to have lots of friends. But I don't find comfort in numbers. I find comfort in quality. I have been friends with my 1 friend for almost 20 years and we are always there for each other. We don't judge each other and I can honestly say she is my sister in Christ. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. But my family is first in my life. I believe that blood is first and foremost.



"Snakes in the Grass,  Better Step on The Gas"