It's been awhile since I've posted. It isn't because I don't have anything to say. Just the opposite actually. It's because my youngest daughter overdosed. It was a suicide attempt by overdosing on my anxiety pills. Luckily for us I'm on Hydroxozine, which is basically Bendryal, and she was unable to overdose on that particular drug.
This has been a much awakening in our family. It was painful leading up to it, and it was devastating going through it, but we have felt comfort in our healing through God. The healing that Mike and I have experienced and are still experiencing through God and therapy is creating a calmness among my family. And within this new calmness a chaos has developed within our children. I don't want to say that our house was full of fighting and hate, it wasn't. We love each other, and are very close to one another. But there was a lack of respect for one another on everyone's part. But it starts with Mike and I. And that respect wasn't there, and I would say that we just started respecting each other.
Our precious daughter has a hard taking responsibility for her actions. But I believe that is because she was taking the blame for everything that was going wrong in the house. Then, if she had to add her wrongs too....she would overload. And when Mike and I started "owning our sh$!" she didn't know where she stood in the family. So she felt lost and un-needed, or worse unwanted. And that just breaks my heart knowing that a person that I love so much would ever feel that way.
The TRUTH is, she is a child of God. And she is Flawless no matter how "dirty" she may feel. She is only responsible for herself. When we pray to God we don't ask God to forgive someone else's sins! NO! We ask God to forgive us for our own sins. You are only responsible for yourself, your actions, and your words. Angry is not a great place to get stuck, but we choose to stay there. If we can choose that then can we choose to be happy? I think so!
I would like to thank Mike for leading our family through this tough time. I have thanked him and told him so many times how proud I am of him. You are a true Godly man and one of those rare strong family leader! I'm truly blessed that God led you to me. I love watching you minister to others and to me. When we pray together I feel indivisible, which I know we are. I will love you forever ever and always.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
So What If You're Like You're Parent?
So when I started this Blog I stated that I was going to be "raw" and real. It has been real easy to reveal Mike's short comings, but not mine. If I look back I have wrote about what we have discovered about Mike. That is not saying that we have done wonders in our marriage just learning about him. He is an amazing man, and I'm so blessed to me married to him.
I'm at a place in our marriage that I can say, "I'm so blessed to me married to him" and truly know what that means...and believe it! I KNOW that I'm blessed to be married to Mike. He has never quit on us, through all the addictions we fought, the losses we have had, and still he's able provide for us. That is his love language, service. And even though mine is touch, I have to stop being so selfish and childish to see his way of loving me. Because if I do, I would see his working almost 7 days a week is his way of showing the amount of love he has for me. What a dummy I have been!
Mike breaking his back to provide for us is his way of "loving" me. Where he went wrong was his unwillingness or inability to learn my love language. But instead of taking time learning it, he kept busy with working to provide. Then he became bitter because he felt like an outsider in his family. Then I would get mad because he was gone providing, so I would continue to keep him out of family decisions. It was and can still be a vicious cycle. It is real!
We all come with some baggage from our past to the marriage. It's a sure thing! What we need to do is figure out which parent you take after. We need to accept it (whether you like that parent or not) and fix what you didn't like and enhance what you did. I finally figured out I'm like my Dad. That means I can be my "Angry Dad" too. I would get explosive mad like my Dad. I would yell and I could go from 0 to 100 in anger in no time. It had to be a scary thing to see. I know it was when I saw my Dad do it when I was little.
I had a lot of fun growing up in Youngstown, OH. But I was sort of afraid of my Dad. He had a bit of a temper. My Dad would be nice for awhile and then something would go wrong and he would explode. We would be getting along for a couple of days or so but I would always have my guard up. I knew he was going to turn on me at any minute. I knew that the good times wouldn't last, and that always made me sad. When he would come home on Thursdays from traveling all week, if the ice cubes weren't made he would be pissed. If the stereo in the dining room was too loud I would catch a beating.
I asked my parents about the fighting and they blamed me for it. They said it was because I was mouthy. They said I probably deserved it. Right then I had to make a choice to forgive them because the anger from the past was only hurting me. I love them, and they didn't know any better. When they were raising me they were freaking out. Because my oldest sister went down a dark path, and they connected me getting mouthy with my sister's antics. Honestly, I believe it was PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). They were worried I was going down the same path my sister went down. And that would simply destroy my Mom & Dad. So if I choose to look at the past fighting as "miss directed wrong kind of discipline" then it's not so scary. And they are back to my loving parents.
It took me a long time to figure out I act out like my "Angry Dad" when I'm mad. The one thing that I didn't want to happen. The one thing I didn't want to be. The one thing I would never want MY children to experience. The one piece of baggage I would never want for my children to carry. I have created it in my household. To realize this was not the best of days. It's such a disgusting self feeling and there is no soap that can wash away that funk! But I do know that the feeling that my family has when I act like "Angry Dad" is 1,000x worst.
Boy was I humbled! But the great thing about being humbled is...that is when God can do His best work. That is when God can get in the nook and cracks and really heal. Because think about the word humble and the opposite of it...proud. When you hear the word proud you think "straight up, strong, tall, mighty" and don't leave out, no cracks. Or at least they don't think there are...because they are proud. Now think of the word humble...think of a bowl of oatmeal. And now think about how the brown sugar melts on it. How it can get in the nooks and cracks of the oatmeal. That is humble.
I have since made it right with my older children. I've apologized for my behavior and explained them how completely wrong I was. I have made a choice not to be that person anymore. I don't want to be out of control of my emotions, ever. I don't want to cause another person feel bad about themselves. I am choosing not to be that person. I don't want my children to come to me and ask me why I hurt them and then me blame it on them. I want to own what actions are mine.
Some say the "it was your fault" thinking is due to a "different generation". But I don't believe that at all. Are you telling me that I love my child differently than a woman whom gave birth (the same way I did!) back in the 1920's? No I don't believe that one bit! I believe that we love our children the way we wished our parent's loved us. So for example, when I was growing up my parents really weren't into my love life. Which made room for bad boyfriends in my young life. But I'm totally into both my daughter's love lives. I'm so afraid they will make the same mistakes I have. So yeah, "Different Generation" nah, just learning how to love a little better with each generation maybe?
I'm at a place in our marriage that I can say, "I'm so blessed to me married to him" and truly know what that means...and believe it! I KNOW that I'm blessed to be married to Mike. He has never quit on us, through all the addictions we fought, the losses we have had, and still he's able provide for us. That is his love language, service. And even though mine is touch, I have to stop being so selfish and childish to see his way of loving me. Because if I do, I would see his working almost 7 days a week is his way of showing the amount of love he has for me. What a dummy I have been!
Mike breaking his back to provide for us is his way of "loving" me. Where he went wrong was his unwillingness or inability to learn my love language. But instead of taking time learning it, he kept busy with working to provide. Then he became bitter because he felt like an outsider in his family. Then I would get mad because he was gone providing, so I would continue to keep him out of family decisions. It was and can still be a vicious cycle. It is real!
We all come with some baggage from our past to the marriage. It's a sure thing! What we need to do is figure out which parent you take after. We need to accept it (whether you like that parent or not) and fix what you didn't like and enhance what you did. I finally figured out I'm like my Dad. That means I can be my "Angry Dad" too. I would get explosive mad like my Dad. I would yell and I could go from 0 to 100 in anger in no time. It had to be a scary thing to see. I know it was when I saw my Dad do it when I was little.
I had a lot of fun growing up in Youngstown, OH. But I was sort of afraid of my Dad. He had a bit of a temper. My Dad would be nice for awhile and then something would go wrong and he would explode. We would be getting along for a couple of days or so but I would always have my guard up. I knew he was going to turn on me at any minute. I knew that the good times wouldn't last, and that always made me sad. When he would come home on Thursdays from traveling all week, if the ice cubes weren't made he would be pissed. If the stereo in the dining room was too loud I would catch a beating.
I asked my parents about the fighting and they blamed me for it. They said it was because I was mouthy. They said I probably deserved it. Right then I had to make a choice to forgive them because the anger from the past was only hurting me. I love them, and they didn't know any better. When they were raising me they were freaking out. Because my oldest sister went down a dark path, and they connected me getting mouthy with my sister's antics. Honestly, I believe it was PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). They were worried I was going down the same path my sister went down. And that would simply destroy my Mom & Dad. So if I choose to look at the past fighting as "miss directed wrong kind of discipline" then it's not so scary. And they are back to my loving parents.
It took me a long time to figure out I act out like my "Angry Dad" when I'm mad. The one thing that I didn't want to happen. The one thing I didn't want to be. The one thing I would never want MY children to experience. The one piece of baggage I would never want for my children to carry. I have created it in my household. To realize this was not the best of days. It's such a disgusting self feeling and there is no soap that can wash away that funk! But I do know that the feeling that my family has when I act like "Angry Dad" is 1,000x worst.
Boy was I humbled! But the great thing about being humbled is...that is when God can do His best work. That is when God can get in the nook and cracks and really heal. Because think about the word humble and the opposite of it...proud. When you hear the word proud you think "straight up, strong, tall, mighty" and don't leave out, no cracks. Or at least they don't think there are...because they are proud. Now think of the word humble...think of a bowl of oatmeal. And now think about how the brown sugar melts on it. How it can get in the nooks and cracks of the oatmeal. That is humble.
I have since made it right with my older children. I've apologized for my behavior and explained them how completely wrong I was. I have made a choice not to be that person anymore. I don't want to be out of control of my emotions, ever. I don't want to cause another person feel bad about themselves. I am choosing not to be that person. I don't want my children to come to me and ask me why I hurt them and then me blame it on them. I want to own what actions are mine.
Some say the "it was your fault" thinking is due to a "different generation". But I don't believe that at all. Are you telling me that I love my child differently than a woman whom gave birth (the same way I did!) back in the 1920's? No I don't believe that one bit! I believe that we love our children the way we wished our parent's loved us. So for example, when I was growing up my parents really weren't into my love life. Which made room for bad boyfriends in my young life. But I'm totally into both my daughter's love lives. I'm so afraid they will make the same mistakes I have. So yeah, "Different Generation" nah, just learning how to love a little better with each generation maybe?
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
What Does Peace Look Like To You?
At Peace! What does that mean to you? I have been in therapy with a couple of different therapists until I found Darrell. When I went to him I decided to "get my money's worth" out of therapy this time. I was going to just be myself and let the chips fall where they may. Honestly, I don't know if it was me deciding that or if Darrell is really good at tricking me. So I'm going to just chalk this one up to me. haha
I remember in one of my very first sessions with Darrell he asked me what I desire most. I answered, Peace. He asked me what Peace looked like. I had no ideal! All I knew it was a word attached to a feeling that I wanted. So we explored that more and it took months for me to find out what Peace meant to me. But I know now.
Today our 17 year old dog, Boo, is dying. I don't have the courage to take him to the vet and put him down. Plus, he's not in pain, he's just really old. And for the last 3 days he hasn't been eating and today I just know that he is slipping. So I have decided to care for him at home. I have wrapped him up and held him none stop. I'm praying over him and talking to him. I feel like he is part of our family and I don't have the right to choose when he dies so I'll just make him comfortable.
Boo and I were outside on the back porch and I'm praying over him and I asked God just please take him. Please give me Peace, Holy Spirit. Just then a peace over came me like you can only explain like relief. Like that feeling of grasping something too tight and not realizing it. Then loosing up your grip only to find your knuckles to almost throb from the blood pumping back into them. Then giving yourself that chuckle of "why was I gripping so tight?" chuckle. You know the one!
That relief feeling when the Holy Spirit sends Peace to you can be explained like when you make your face turn red and then release it and you can breath again. And that calm feeling of oxygen flows throw your body. That is what the Holy Spirit is, that is what He provides...Oxygen to your Soul!
I used to go to my imaginary safe spot in therapy which was the woods. Now I don't have to rely on myself to go to the woods in my mind. My safe spot and Peaceful feeling doesn't have to be me working on it, all I have to do now is ask for the Holy Spirit to "Give me Peace, In Jesus's Name, Amen." And instantaneously, I will be at the peace that I have so longed for.
So when I think about the question now, "what does peace look like to me?" I looks like me bowing my head in the middle of a tornado and asking the Holy Spirit to protect me and give me peace. And I WILL be protected and given that peace I need at that time.
Jesus sent the Holy Spirit down here on Earth to help us with our everyday lives. Sure Jesus is with us, but why not ask on Someone Whom is closer. It's like having a Supervisor and an Executive. If you are a Customer Service Rep. who are you going to go for with questions about your job for immediate answers? Not the Executive that really has no idea how to answer phones on the daily. You're going to ask your Supervisor. I'm not saying that Jesus is above the Holy Spirit He's not, but I am saying this to try to explain the lines of communication
All Three; Father, Son, and Holy Ghost make up the Trinity and therefore are all God. It's like multiplying 1x1x1=1 instead of adding 1+1+1=3
Dedicated to Boo Bear, You will always be in our hearts and noses. We love you!
I remember in one of my very first sessions with Darrell he asked me what I desire most. I answered, Peace. He asked me what Peace looked like. I had no ideal! All I knew it was a word attached to a feeling that I wanted. So we explored that more and it took months for me to find out what Peace meant to me. But I know now.
Today our 17 year old dog, Boo, is dying. I don't have the courage to take him to the vet and put him down. Plus, he's not in pain, he's just really old. And for the last 3 days he hasn't been eating and today I just know that he is slipping. So I have decided to care for him at home. I have wrapped him up and held him none stop. I'm praying over him and talking to him. I feel like he is part of our family and I don't have the right to choose when he dies so I'll just make him comfortable.
Boo and I were outside on the back porch and I'm praying over him and I asked God just please take him. Please give me Peace, Holy Spirit. Just then a peace over came me like you can only explain like relief. Like that feeling of grasping something too tight and not realizing it. Then loosing up your grip only to find your knuckles to almost throb from the blood pumping back into them. Then giving yourself that chuckle of "why was I gripping so tight?" chuckle. You know the one!
That relief feeling when the Holy Spirit sends Peace to you can be explained like when you make your face turn red and then release it and you can breath again. And that calm feeling of oxygen flows throw your body. That is what the Holy Spirit is, that is what He provides...Oxygen to your Soul!
I used to go to my imaginary safe spot in therapy which was the woods. Now I don't have to rely on myself to go to the woods in my mind. My safe spot and Peaceful feeling doesn't have to be me working on it, all I have to do now is ask for the Holy Spirit to "Give me Peace, In Jesus's Name, Amen." And instantaneously, I will be at the peace that I have so longed for.
So when I think about the question now, "what does peace look like to me?" I looks like me bowing my head in the middle of a tornado and asking the Holy Spirit to protect me and give me peace. And I WILL be protected and given that peace I need at that time.
Jesus sent the Holy Spirit down here on Earth to help us with our everyday lives. Sure Jesus is with us, but why not ask on Someone Whom is closer. It's like having a Supervisor and an Executive. If you are a Customer Service Rep. who are you going to go for with questions about your job for immediate answers? Not the Executive that really has no idea how to answer phones on the daily. You're going to ask your Supervisor. I'm not saying that Jesus is above the Holy Spirit He's not, but I am saying this to try to explain the lines of communication
All Three; Father, Son, and Holy Ghost make up the Trinity and therefore are all God. It's like multiplying 1x1x1=1 instead of adding 1+1+1=3
Dedicated to Boo Bear, You will always be in our hearts and noses. We love you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)