HE IS HELPING ME MAKE IT RIGHT!

Sometimes in order to move forward you must go back. I don't mean live in the past I mean really try to see how your decisions impacted the lives of others. I seem to be on that kick right now. I don't know why, maybe I am going to die soon, or maybe it simply means I'm just growing up and getting real close to God. I tend to go with the real negative first like dying, but that is just me. I have to work on that, my daughter points that out to me all the time.

I wish I could parent like this when I was younger. I am a "grown up parent" now. I could just kick myself for that. But to be a parent it takes 2 people. And Mike and I were not in the place we are now. We were too wounded and trying to control our own environments. We were too self involved to understand that we were hurting our children. And our children had to suffer, not that they were beaten and abused. They were never asked "WHY" they were acting out, instead they were just punished. And it was so important for Mike and I to be right as "parents" that we forgot that our children were people too.

Our house was one big power struggle. That is how I would say our environment was, but we still loved each other like crazy. I stayed home and was there, but not present. I was always distracted. I used to be a triathlete and after that ended I got sick. It took years for me to recover. I would go to the hospital all the time. The kids would come home from school not knowing if I was going to be home or if Grandma was going to be there. There was never a constant in our house.

No one really ever knew their role. There was always a fear based feeling lingering around. We really didn't want to step up and be the parents, completely. We only parent single-handedly, so our wisdom was never meshed together. I could only parent as much as I was raised with, and same with him. We never came together to be a team in this parenting thing. If we weren't so mad at each other (without even knowing it) we could have had the household we have now.

I could dwell on that, because that is where the devil wants me. But instead I'm going to praise God for what I have here and now!!! I asked God to forgive me for my sins of the past. I have handed over each sin to Jesus who is hanging on the cross just to take on those sins. That is the whole reason Jesus die on the cross! Jesus wants us to hand over our sins to Him while He is on the Cross so we don't have to be burdened with them anymore.

I have asked The Holy Spirit to help me make it right with my family. And you know what?!?! HE IS!! HE IS HELPING ME MAKE IT RIGHT!!! I am still in the process of making it right with each one of my children. I have a lot of things to make right and own. It's humbling and humiliating, and at the same time freeing for everyone involved. But I just give that to God. Love comes through, and you just feel God's Love healing through the humble words you are speaking to your loved one. God is almighty and the mighty Healer. He wants my family healed, so I'm letting Him lead me....