My heart is broken. I'm sad beyond belief. Why did we wait so long to forgive and trust each other? The hardest part about forgiving is forgetting about what the past "could have been". I now know how great our relationship could have been. And that makes me mourn over the fact that we waited 27.5 years to get to this point. I'm not upset because of the silly things I've accused you of doing. Because I'm accusing you of things that I don't want to be true.
I'm confused because I know what I have now. So how can we still have these hang ups? We have learned so much about each other over last 15 weeks. We have learned this new respect and love that I never thought I would feel with you. I understand and respect the way I need to approach you with confrontational things. I am doing the best I can do right now. I'm changing and it will get better with time. With all of this... Why then do I feel like we are at the beginning?
I would say our biggest hang ups are; me accusing you of being untruthful and you accuse me of recklessly spending. Those are our biggest hang ups. But Lion, if you really look at this both of these fears are within us. These are ours fears. We are just pawning our fears off on each other. When we look deeper into our arguments, we are really just arguing with ourselves. We need to love ourselves and forgive ourselves first before we can forgive each other.
I have accused you of being deceitful towards me so many times, I'm sorry, it wasn't you I was accusing of being deceitful...it was me. I am the one who lies in this relationship, not you. I have lied to you over and over again and you just roll with it. I'm so sorry. I don't want to like that anymore. Thank you for the grace you've showed me over the years. I'm sorry I've lied to you. But you know everything now.
I have been careless with money, too. That is where I've been most reckless with your heart. I handle money so much better now, and I'm showing you. The problem is, the damage is already done. But like I've always said there is always 2-sides to every story. You hid money from your family. I sort of understand why you did it. You thought that I would blow it, but when you're raising a family of 6, there will be co-pays, clothing needs, and food needs. So money will to be spent. So when you hide hundreds of dollars from your family (that has $2) Yes I will get a credit card. But! I did mishandle that credit card. So we all lost in the end.
We are living with the sins of our upbringings. I don't want our children to be the products of our last 27.5 years. So let's change this cycle. We need to recognize the past, forgive each other, and then Let God handle it from there. God has lead us through this healing process. He is not going to let the past defeat us. Lion, we are to build each other up and encourage each other. I have not been doing that for you...Please forgive me.
If we could get over these insecurities within us we could rule the world. Ha Ha.
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