Why Does Coming Clean Feel So Dirty?

I've seen how people pile their own crap on other people. You know what I mean, throwing our own insecurities on the people we love. Sometimes insecurities are justifiable and sometimes they're not. For example, when you're insecure about cheating, only because you're a cheater. That is what I call "throwing our own crap on other people". And unfortunately, just about everyone puts their insecurity on others. Especially couples, married or not, almost every couple does it. If you don't, God Bless you, you are either in denial or you're blessed...ignorance is bliss.

In my past Blogs I have written about Mike's huge money issues. How he's always afraid that we never have any money, and how he's always hidden money from me. His love and fear for money consumes him always. So much that it has clouded his judgement in how he brings money home. He was accepting construction side jobs for single female coworkers.  

He would work on these houses without an "accountability buddy". If you are a monogamous married couple you know what I'm talking about. It's someone to account for your actions. And to top it off, he wouldn't even ask me if I was OK with him accepting these side jobs. In his eyes it shouldn't matter because "we need money!".  He would think nothing of it. But in reality,  never should a married man be alone with any woman. It's an accountability issue.

I don't know if anything happened. He says nothing ever happened. OK, that's fine nothing happened. But he can't prove that. Just like he can't prove that something did happen. I'm going on blind trust. Until recently I just wasn't willing to do that.  Because I was the one with the secret. I was the one who couldn't be trusted. Because I was the one with the trust issue. Trust is my crap. Mike was the one hiding money. Mike has money issues. Money is his crap. Now if we could get through all this crap we'll be golden!

The truth,  I WAS untrustworthy. I had many secrets from Mike, and those secrets were slowing killing our relationship... and me. I think I always knew that, but I never had the courage to tell him. I was scared to grow up and take responsibility for my own crap.

First and always I lean on Jesus, instead of Mike, for my self acceptance. I can get through anything with Jesus, because Jesus has been with me so far. And I've survived my life thus far. Jesus will be with me forever!

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Before I completely handed over all my shame to God, I was willing to take all my secrets to the grave. I thought that if Mike ever knew these secrets about me, he would for sure leave me and hate me forever. But that was all about me, I wasn't even giving Mike a chance. Because I thought I was dirty, even though I asked God for forgiveness, and I knew He forgave me. I don't believe I ever forgave myself until recently. Until I finally understood why Jesus died on the cross for "me" and "you". That's when I was truly free.

 When I visualize Jesus on the Cross, I  see myself taking each shameful thing about me and I lay it on Him. Then He takes it away from me. That is why He died, so we don't have to live with shame! Praise Jesus!

Mike has always been a "solid" person in my eyes. I like to tease him and call him "Perfect Mike". Because it's like he never does anything wrong. He's calm, or appears to be, and he's funny, and did I mention he's handsome. Oh yeah, he's super good looking. Mike's 6 years older than me, so I think maybe I look up to him. He happens to be a very distinguished man, and I know I'm extremely lucky. He's always ready to crack a joke, and when he does watch out because he is hilarious.

Our therapist told me when I talk I look at Mike.  Almost like I'm looking for approval. Maybe it is approval? I think I just want to make sure he hears me. I don't feel like he notices or hears me all the time. He gets lost in his head a lot. He's quiet, some call it shy. But he's a thinker.

This is what I think it's like to be Mike; he has the conversations in his head he should be having in real life. And sometimes he gets confused and thinks he actually had that conversation. Sometimes he even forgets to talk out instructions with me.  Because he just talked it out with me in his head. But that only happens if I let him think too long. Which I have learned not to do. I love this man

I hope I'm not making him sound crazy, he's not at all. He's actually very brilliant. He effortlessly convinces people to believe in themselves. He encourages people to do the right thing independently. Mike is a no-nonsense kind of guy.  He has incredible ideas and dreams and his faith in God is boundless. Mike is the one that has kept our family together, he is our strength. I believe that I'm blessed to have found my soulmate for life. He is quick to forgive and forget...Mike is my husband.