Let me just tell you where anxiety begins. It begins with one trying to control another person or their environment. And failing at not only controlling that but also controlling themselves. That is where fear comes into play which causes anxiety.
So in not being able to control the people around oneself, and not accepting the fact that you can't control the future relationships break down. People get panic attacks and start to blame others for the attacks. Sometimes people whom are the control freaks also like to control the emotional state of others too. The control freak has to have control of someone in some aspect of their inner circle's lives. It is that desire to have that control that causes anxiety. Those control freak people are really fear based hurt children inside.
I am an anxious person. I suffer from panic attacks and I know the struggle of fear. Personally, I can't think about the future. When Mike and I have a disagreement, I do my best to keep my mind focused on the problem at hand. This is an example of guidelines Mike and I follow when we have a disagreement;
1. Take a time out. Right away don't say anything if you are hot headed and don't retreat into your shell if you are introverted. But things are toxic to a relationship. There is a happy medium. Mike is introverted and I can have a wicked tongue. I know now that Mike has to think about things before he says them to me because he doesn't want to hurt me. And also, he has said somethings off the cuff that have bit him on the ass with me. So he has learned to be cautious with me. So I'm a product of my own environment and I don't like what I have created. But it's my own fault.
So take some time apart before you start to discuss a conflict. Start thinking if this is the, "Hill you want to die on". This will give you time to put yourself in your mate's place, and really try to see things from their point of view. If you truly loved them you would be able to do that even if you are mad. But before you take that time away establish that you are taking that time because you need some time to think. It's OK to tell your spouse that they hurt your feelings and you need to go process it. The other spouse needs to be aware that they upset the other. It is imperative that the spouses acknowledge each other's feelings. It is also important to go back after the time out and talk about it.
2. Only own your own feelings. You can only claim what is yours. And your feelings are your own. You are responsible for your feelings and your actions & reactions. No one else can say, "Oh I am the one that threw Patty's punch that hit Johnny's face". When Mike and I talk about our feelings I try to explain without threatening. I tell him this is what happened and this is how I reacted and why. I don't know if it was right or not. I ask him what is his side, then somewhere in the middle we find the truth. Or at least what we decide to be the truth.
When no one is blaming each other for hurting each other, only then we get to heal. When one spouse is trying to control the other by making the other apologize or "take responsibility" for something they don't care to, that will only cause anxiety to the person thinking they were wronged. Some seek to control others by telling them they should feel remorse. That is not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about seeing the "2-sides" to every story. Grow up and be responsible for your feelings and then be respectful of each other's feelings.
3. Don't talk about the past or the future. When we bring up the past or the future we find our voices start to escalate. We don't even know why. The noise will actually make us stop and take a breath. We know that we don't want to be that out of control fighting couple. We know that we are capable of talking out our feeling because we are learning how to and we truly care about each other.
What I find wild is that when our voices are loud and we are beginning to "go there". We are usually fighting about either the past or the future. Both things we have no control over. When we pull it bad to the task at hand, those angry feeling go away and the disagreement is solved. BOOM, done. There is no room for the past or the future in a marriage.
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Friday, March 25, 2016
How My Marriage Survived "The Change Of Life"
How can people believe that there is a hell and not a heaven? I wrote about this earlier, about how there are always 2 sides to everything. There is good with evil, white with black, yin with yang. You can't have a good day without having a bad day first. Otherwise how would you know that you were having a good day?
Same goes true with marriage. You can't always have a good marriage. We are going to struggle and sometimes fail. But that doesn't have to mean throwing in the towel. That just means it's time to reconnect on a different level. As humans we are always evolving and growing as people. That means our spiritual journey and life will change also and sometimes our mates are not always on board. Sometimes we leave them fending for themselves and that isn't fair to them at all.
As their spouse we are to have Grace and take them by the hand and help them along in this journey called "Life". As a married couple we are to grow together and experience the changes in life together. I had this fantasy when we first got married that we where going to experience every single life changing moment together. That Mike and I were going to be this "Power Couple" and we were going to be shielded off from the world. In my mind no one or thing could ever penetrate our love for each other.
There were so many wrong things with that picture. First off, I was only relying on our love for each other to get us through life. I never even thought about making God the center of our marriage, even though we went to church every so often. We weren't committed to God anymore than we were committed to each other. We were just going through the motions of our faith and our marriage. But in the last year or so I would say that God has gotten real with us.
The difference in what we are going through now compared to what we have gone through in the past is we are allowing God to heal us first. We are allowing God to do His work first before we will react to each other. This isn't a behavior that is learned overnight, this is something that Mike and I have really had to work on. We have to be conscious of our behaviors, words, and actions. The way I do that, I have asked God to give me comfort with with all the things I just stated. He helps me! I ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and make me feel at peace. I ask for discernment about situations and you know what...HE GIVES IT!
I was so young to think that the world would stay out of my bubble. Of course people and life would penetrate our world. I think that stuff tries to get in the way of marriages and things important to God just to destroy it. But Mike has a strong faith in God and in me and he has keep us together. I tried many times to throw in the towel, but he won't do it. That shows me he loves me. Even though life happened to us doesn't mean we have to give up our lives to it. Mike and I are yoked with Jesus, and no world or devil will ever be able to penetrate our bond. That's not saying that they won't try. They'll try. But Mike and I will have the tools we are learning in therapy and of course the our number 1 go to, the place we go first, our Alpha and Omega...The Lord!
Same goes true with marriage. You can't always have a good marriage. We are going to struggle and sometimes fail. But that doesn't have to mean throwing in the towel. That just means it's time to reconnect on a different level. As humans we are always evolving and growing as people. That means our spiritual journey and life will change also and sometimes our mates are not always on board. Sometimes we leave them fending for themselves and that isn't fair to them at all.
As their spouse we are to have Grace and take them by the hand and help them along in this journey called "Life". As a married couple we are to grow together and experience the changes in life together. I had this fantasy when we first got married that we where going to experience every single life changing moment together. That Mike and I were going to be this "Power Couple" and we were going to be shielded off from the world. In my mind no one or thing could ever penetrate our love for each other.
There were so many wrong things with that picture. First off, I was only relying on our love for each other to get us through life. I never even thought about making God the center of our marriage, even though we went to church every so often. We weren't committed to God anymore than we were committed to each other. We were just going through the motions of our faith and our marriage. But in the last year or so I would say that God has gotten real with us.
The difference in what we are going through now compared to what we have gone through in the past is we are allowing God to heal us first. We are allowing God to do His work first before we will react to each other. This isn't a behavior that is learned overnight, this is something that Mike and I have really had to work on. We have to be conscious of our behaviors, words, and actions. The way I do that, I have asked God to give me comfort with with all the things I just stated. He helps me! I ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me up and make me feel at peace. I ask for discernment about situations and you know what...HE GIVES IT!
I was so young to think that the world would stay out of my bubble. Of course people and life would penetrate our world. I think that stuff tries to get in the way of marriages and things important to God just to destroy it. But Mike has a strong faith in God and in me and he has keep us together. I tried many times to throw in the towel, but he won't do it. That shows me he loves me. Even though life happened to us doesn't mean we have to give up our lives to it. Mike and I are yoked with Jesus, and no world or devil will ever be able to penetrate our bond. That's not saying that they won't try. They'll try. But Mike and I will have the tools we are learning in therapy and of course the our number 1 go to, the place we go first, our Alpha and Omega...The Lord!
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
On A Mission From God!
Do you ever notice how your relationship with God can be a come and go thing? At least mine is at times. I hate it when I allow "life" to get in the way of my priority with God. And I know that God has plans for me. He has shown them to me but I'm scared. That's right, I'm not afraid to say it.
I know what I'm to do for God, but I'm afraid to do it. He has been training me for it, and now He has shown me. God can't get much clearer than He already has, but I'm frozen in fear. I know that fear is the devil working, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to get up and move. I'm struggling with, "What happens if I am a success?" Then people will depend on me and what happens if I let them down? I am so afraid of that responsibility!
I have seen people do things in the "Name of the Lord" and hurt many people along the way. I personally have been let down by many people who stated that they were led by the Lord to help me. But that is me putting my trust in man and not in God. And that is exactly what we are not to do. We are to rely on God and not man for our comfort and direction. Sometimes we get that confused. For example, a Pastor deceives his congregation. Some may blame God and not the Pastor. They'll say that we are "bitter" towards the church because of what a pastor may have done. That's putting your faith and trust in a man (the pastor) and not in God.
In order for me to do what God wants me to do I would have to change my life. I would have to put others before the troubles in my life. I don't know if my family could handle that. But maybe that is exactly what they need. I can't continue to debate about this, because I believe it is urgent that I do what God wants me to do. I'm on a mission from God!
I know what I'm to do for God, but I'm afraid to do it. He has been training me for it, and now He has shown me. God can't get much clearer than He already has, but I'm frozen in fear. I know that fear is the devil working, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to get up and move. I'm struggling with, "What happens if I am a success?" Then people will depend on me and what happens if I let them down? I am so afraid of that responsibility!
I have seen people do things in the "Name of the Lord" and hurt many people along the way. I personally have been let down by many people who stated that they were led by the Lord to help me. But that is me putting my trust in man and not in God. And that is exactly what we are not to do. We are to rely on God and not man for our comfort and direction. Sometimes we get that confused. For example, a Pastor deceives his congregation. Some may blame God and not the Pastor. They'll say that we are "bitter" towards the church because of what a pastor may have done. That's putting your faith and trust in a man (the pastor) and not in God.
In order for me to do what God wants me to do I would have to change my life. I would have to put others before the troubles in my life. I don't know if my family could handle that. But maybe that is exactly what they need. I can't continue to debate about this, because I believe it is urgent that I do what God wants me to do. I'm on a mission from God!
Saturday, March 19, 2016
The Change Starts With Me
We currently had our Spring Break this last week. I went away with our 2 youngest children to Colorado. I'm located in Kansas City. I took this week away from my marriage to do some self reflection and to figure some things out. And I have to say that, if you allow quiet time with God He will never let you down. God is the best therapist and will reveal things to you about you if you just open your heart, ears, and mind to Him. But you will have to slow down your thinking to hear Him.
I personally have many "conversations" with The Lord. I have them when I'm cooking, cleaning, or even driving. This week in particular, allowed me to slow down and pray to my Lord. I needed Him to guide me through this struggle I'm having within myself.
I keep saying how we are only responsible for our own actions, and now it was time for me to eat my words. Mike and I do not have a healthy way of fighting. We are still trying to figure out what we are doing wrong when we fight, but not willing to take responsibility for our actions during the fights.
Here's How We Fight:
I get upset about something, Mike blows me off, I get mad, Mike blows me off again, because I'm getting aggressive and inside it's making him uncomfortable. This makes me more mad and then completely blow up. And then word vomit comes up. I say stupid horrible things I really don't mean, but say it anyway. I will say anything at this point, because I'm searching for some sort of reaction from him. I need to know that he is engaged in this conversation (or marriage for that matter). These fights bring up those feelings of fear, anxiousness, hopelessness, and doom. These are the fights that go on for days and our feelings get rubbed so raw I swear they are bleeding.
What God revealed to me was that I can't behave like that anymore. I have to be responsible for MY behavior. Since we have been in therapy I have found out that Mike "retreats" when I yell because of some personal issues he has. So if I loved him why would I continue to yell at him? I'm not going to yell anymore! I'm going to be responsible for myself and I don't like who I am when I get out of control like that. I wouldn't want him yelling at me like that so why would I do that to him? NO MORE!
I have apologized to Mike so much. I have told to Mike how God explained to me that if I were to change places with Mike and he was me, how would I feel? I'm here to tell you the answer was not good. I was humiliated. I have not been nice to Mike! I have been this loud, out-of-control, yelling wife that he really doesn't like. Why would he? I wouldn't either! So here I am writing how I want him to change...blah blah blah. The change needs to start with me!
I am only responsible for myself, my choices, and my changes. If Mike wants to change that is up to him. But after we talked about this, and I have owned my behavior, things are changing. I believe we are going to make it. But it is going to be hard work. Mike said that he is all in, I believe him...for the first time...I Trust Him.
I personally have many "conversations" with The Lord. I have them when I'm cooking, cleaning, or even driving. This week in particular, allowed me to slow down and pray to my Lord. I needed Him to guide me through this struggle I'm having within myself.
I keep saying how we are only responsible for our own actions, and now it was time for me to eat my words. Mike and I do not have a healthy way of fighting. We are still trying to figure out what we are doing wrong when we fight, but not willing to take responsibility for our actions during the fights.
Here's How We Fight:
I get upset about something, Mike blows me off, I get mad, Mike blows me off again, because I'm getting aggressive and inside it's making him uncomfortable. This makes me more mad and then completely blow up. And then word vomit comes up. I say stupid horrible things I really don't mean, but say it anyway. I will say anything at this point, because I'm searching for some sort of reaction from him. I need to know that he is engaged in this conversation (or marriage for that matter). These fights bring up those feelings of fear, anxiousness, hopelessness, and doom. These are the fights that go on for days and our feelings get rubbed so raw I swear they are bleeding.
What God revealed to me was that I can't behave like that anymore. I have to be responsible for MY behavior. Since we have been in therapy I have found out that Mike "retreats" when I yell because of some personal issues he has. So if I loved him why would I continue to yell at him? I'm not going to yell anymore! I'm going to be responsible for myself and I don't like who I am when I get out of control like that. I wouldn't want him yelling at me like that so why would I do that to him? NO MORE!
I have apologized to Mike so much. I have told to Mike how God explained to me that if I were to change places with Mike and he was me, how would I feel? I'm here to tell you the answer was not good. I was humiliated. I have not been nice to Mike! I have been this loud, out-of-control, yelling wife that he really doesn't like. Why would he? I wouldn't either! So here I am writing how I want him to change...blah blah blah. The change needs to start with me!
I am only responsible for myself, my choices, and my changes. If Mike wants to change that is up to him. But after we talked about this, and I have owned my behavior, things are changing. I believe we are going to make it. But it is going to be hard work. Mike said that he is all in, I believe him...for the first time...I Trust Him.
Thursday, March 10, 2016
The Fruits Of Our Labors
Oh my gosh was today ever so hard! We went to counselling today and it was painful. Just down right painful and raw. Our therapist said that we will be doing 40% of the work in the office and 60% at home. I think it's more like 20:80.
We're only in that room for 1 hour. Just enough time to itch the "scab". Just enough time to make you aware that the wound was starting to heal. And you know when wounds start to heal they are uncomfortable. A wound will itch, flake, and sometimes catch on clothes. At times they'll bleed again. But no worries, that exposed opening will heal up over time. That is exactly what Mike and I are going through. We are wounded and every time we go to therapy we just irritate those wounds. We make each other cry and then we help each other heal. That is our 20:80
So today I had it. I feel so vulnerable and that is not a feeling I'm used to. I am so scared to completely love Mike again, only to be hurt again. The way Mike and I fight is; we go right from "I'm mad" to "I want a divorce". There is no gray area. There never has been. So my fear is that if I let my guard down with Mike and I get hurt again then we are going to have to do this whole song and dance with the "divorce" word. Because we have no in-between. It's all or nothing. We just realized after 28 years of being together with 24 of them being married. There is a gray area in fighting, we just didn't know about it.
Mike has always told me that he can "cut people off" if they do something that he doesn't agree with. That has always frightened me. Because in my head, that means that he can cut me off also. And I don't want to be "abandoned" by the man I love so much. And he says he loves me too. But if he says that he loves me in one sentence how come he always says "if you do this or that I'm out of here". I hate it. He always says that if me or the kids, let's say do drugs or become a democrat, he will say he will leave. It might sound harmless, but I heard it a lot. It made me think my marriage was not solid. And my husband can leave me at anytime, even though he hasn't, he says he can. It's not a fun place to be, even though I didn't know I was there. It was just a way of life.
But in Mike's defense, he grew up with that. He grew up with his father saying to his mother, "If you don't like it there's the door." And I just found that out...today! And his father grew up with his father doing the same crap to him. Only Mike's Grandfather added cheater to his resume. And I guess Mike's Dad would catch his Dad (Mike's Grandfather) cheating. The Grandfather would give him "hush money". So we raise our children with the crap that our parents were raised with. It's a horrible cycle. But it's a real one.
If Mike was going to leave me he would have. That phrase means nothing to him, he was raised with it. The same goes for him. I know I say stuff that bothers him that I was raised with. He had no idea how much it scared me inside. First off, I never told him. I could have put my "big girl pants" on and said how that makes me feel. But instead I chose to live in fear. That my friends is the work of the devil. Fear is the work of the devil, and I was full of fear and still have a little bit.
I don't want anyone to think that Mike is this big jerk, because he's not! He's has stayed wit me and put up with a lot over the years. I will never know how to repay him for that. We each bring our own issues to this marriage. And our 24 years of marriage have been full of chaos. Now it's time to let Go and Let God. And that is just what we are doing, and we are Seeing The Fruits Of Our Labors.
We're only in that room for 1 hour. Just enough time to itch the "scab". Just enough time to make you aware that the wound was starting to heal. And you know when wounds start to heal they are uncomfortable. A wound will itch, flake, and sometimes catch on clothes. At times they'll bleed again. But no worries, that exposed opening will heal up over time. That is exactly what Mike and I are going through. We are wounded and every time we go to therapy we just irritate those wounds. We make each other cry and then we help each other heal. That is our 20:80
So today I had it. I feel so vulnerable and that is not a feeling I'm used to. I am so scared to completely love Mike again, only to be hurt again. The way Mike and I fight is; we go right from "I'm mad" to "I want a divorce". There is no gray area. There never has been. So my fear is that if I let my guard down with Mike and I get hurt again then we are going to have to do this whole song and dance with the "divorce" word. Because we have no in-between. It's all or nothing. We just realized after 28 years of being together with 24 of them being married. There is a gray area in fighting, we just didn't know about it.
Mike has always told me that he can "cut people off" if they do something that he doesn't agree with. That has always frightened me. Because in my head, that means that he can cut me off also. And I don't want to be "abandoned" by the man I love so much. And he says he loves me too. But if he says that he loves me in one sentence how come he always says "if you do this or that I'm out of here". I hate it. He always says that if me or the kids, let's say do drugs or become a democrat, he will say he will leave. It might sound harmless, but I heard it a lot. It made me think my marriage was not solid. And my husband can leave me at anytime, even though he hasn't, he says he can. It's not a fun place to be, even though I didn't know I was there. It was just a way of life.
But in Mike's defense, he grew up with that. He grew up with his father saying to his mother, "If you don't like it there's the door." And I just found that out...today! And his father grew up with his father doing the same crap to him. Only Mike's Grandfather added cheater to his resume. And I guess Mike's Dad would catch his Dad (Mike's Grandfather) cheating. The Grandfather would give him "hush money". So we raise our children with the crap that our parents were raised with. It's a horrible cycle. But it's a real one.
If Mike was going to leave me he would have. That phrase means nothing to him, he was raised with it. The same goes for him. I know I say stuff that bothers him that I was raised with. He had no idea how much it scared me inside. First off, I never told him. I could have put my "big girl pants" on and said how that makes me feel. But instead I chose to live in fear. That my friends is the work of the devil. Fear is the work of the devil, and I was full of fear and still have a little bit.
I don't want anyone to think that Mike is this big jerk, because he's not! He's has stayed wit me and put up with a lot over the years. I will never know how to repay him for that. We each bring our own issues to this marriage. And our 24 years of marriage have been full of chaos. Now it's time to let Go and Let God. And that is just what we are doing, and we are Seeing The Fruits Of Our Labors.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
I'm Not Crazy, It's The Holy Spirit!
When God shows you a vision you need to jump on that vision right away. I mean like don't look back and get going. I have always wondered what God wanted out of me. I have done so many personality tests,Christian Gifts tests, and career path tests one can take and I still didn't know what God wants out of me. At least that was until today. Now I do.
Sometimes you're "training" for something for God and don't even know it?!?! Well, I now realize I have been in training for God and didn't even know it. Back in July, 2014 I had a personal encounter with the Holy Spirit. I mean, The Holy Spirit got "real" with me. And made His presence known in my life. And at that moment my life started to change. I started to see myself differently, like I was worth something. It was an awakening if you will. I was saved September, 1992 but my first one on One encounter with the Holy Spirit was in 2014. It's called "Baptism of the Holy Spirit". I believe that being saved and Baptism by the Spirit are two totally different things.
Some churches don't teach it that way. No one ever taught it to me...EVER. But I know that day was my day the Holy Spirit revealed Himself to me. How do I know this? Through God, and a lot of prayer. Oh, did I mention my family thought I went crazy that day and took me to a hospital for a "psychiatric" evaluation. I went because I knew I wasn't crazy, and I asked God to help me out of this. Mike took me to the E.R. that evening. While my extended family waited patiently by the phone to find out if they were going to admit me and throw away the key.
But you know how Great God is! He never leaves us in time of need. My Social Worker the hospital assigned to me happened to be an Ordained Minister. That's right! A Woman Of God!!! The Social Worker and I had an incredible talk about what just happened to me. She told me to get into the Bible. I had to stop feeding on the "milk" of the wWord and get into the "meat". She told me that I have Gifts and that I need to use them. But watch the "Fruits of my Labor". (being the results of my actions) And if my "fruits" hurt others then they are not fruits of the Lord. It was a miracle she was there...A God Miracle.
Mike witnessed this whole exchange. And our only agreement for me going to the hospital in the first place was, if something miraculous happened he had to tell my family. Because at the time my family wasn't talking to me. They thought I went crazy.
At the end of my evaluation I was released to go home. They didn't keep me, because I wasn't crazy! If anything they thought my family needed to chill out. And I needed to do some changes also. I was thankful that God put that woman of God in my path at a time I needed guidance. He knew what I needed at the right time. We got in the car and started to drive home. I asked Mike if he would call my family and tell them about this incredible experience....He never did.
He couldn't tell them, and still hasn't told anyone about that visit. To this day I don't know why. I still have some resentment towards him for that. I don't know his motivation behind that. I can only see negative motivation, and I don't want to think of him. But as the saying goes, "the truth hurts". I have to remind myself it's in the past. Since then my family and I have made up. (all but my sister and I) I'm not sure how to fix that one.
Hebrews 6:4 It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age 6 and who have fallen[c] away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.
Sometimes you're "training" for something for God and don't even know it?!?! Well, I now realize I have been in training for God and didn't even know it. Back in July, 2014 I had a personal encounter with the Holy Spirit. I mean, The Holy Spirit got "real" with me. And made His presence known in my life. And at that moment my life started to change. I started to see myself differently, like I was worth something. It was an awakening if you will. I was saved September, 1992 but my first one on One encounter with the Holy Spirit was in 2014. It's called "Baptism of the Holy Spirit". I believe that being saved and Baptism by the Spirit are two totally different things.
Some churches don't teach it that way. No one ever taught it to me...EVER. But I know that day was my day the Holy Spirit revealed Himself to me. How do I know this? Through God, and a lot of prayer. Oh, did I mention my family thought I went crazy that day and took me to a hospital for a "psychiatric" evaluation. I went because I knew I wasn't crazy, and I asked God to help me out of this. Mike took me to the E.R. that evening. While my extended family waited patiently by the phone to find out if they were going to admit me and throw away the key.
But you know how Great God is! He never leaves us in time of need. My Social Worker the hospital assigned to me happened to be an Ordained Minister. That's right! A Woman Of God!!! The Social Worker and I had an incredible talk about what just happened to me. She told me to get into the Bible. I had to stop feeding on the "milk" of the wWord and get into the "meat". She told me that I have Gifts and that I need to use them. But watch the "Fruits of my Labor". (being the results of my actions) And if my "fruits" hurt others then they are not fruits of the Lord. It was a miracle she was there...A God Miracle.
Mike witnessed this whole exchange. And our only agreement for me going to the hospital in the first place was, if something miraculous happened he had to tell my family. Because at the time my family wasn't talking to me. They thought I went crazy.
At the end of my evaluation I was released to go home. They didn't keep me, because I wasn't crazy! If anything they thought my family needed to chill out. And I needed to do some changes also. I was thankful that God put that woman of God in my path at a time I needed guidance. He knew what I needed at the right time. We got in the car and started to drive home. I asked Mike if he would call my family and tell them about this incredible experience....He never did.
He couldn't tell them, and still hasn't told anyone about that visit. To this day I don't know why. I still have some resentment towards him for that. I don't know his motivation behind that. I can only see negative motivation, and I don't want to think of him. But as the saying goes, "the truth hurts". I have to remind myself it's in the past. Since then my family and I have made up. (all but my sister and I) I'm not sure how to fix that one.
Hebrews 6:4 It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age 6 and who have fallen[c] away, to be brought back to repentance. To their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.
Matthew 3:11-12The Message (MSG)
11-12 “I’m baptizing you here in the river, turning your old life in for a kingdom life. The real action comes next: The main character in this drama—compared to him I’m a mere stagehand—will ignite the kingdom life within you, a fire within you, the Holy Spirit within you, changing you from the inside out. He’s going to clean house—make a clean sweep of your lives. He’ll place everything true in its proper place before God; everything false he’ll put out with the trash to be burned.”
Monday, March 7, 2016
Commitment = A Successful Marriage
Sometimes I feel guilty for laughing with Mike. Like I shouldn't be laughing with him because we are supposed to be at odds. I have made the choice to forgive him, but what about him forgiving me? I'm no princess in this marriage. I haven't stepped out but I've done my share of turmoil to this family. Will he be able to completely forgive me the way I am forgiving him?
And what if he's not? What happens if he decides to turn his back on me? What then? How is that going to make me feel after I have decided to forgive him with all those other women? Or worse yet, what happens if we get better and then he does this to me again! WHOA! This is the stuff that I struggle with all the time.
I have a hard time the moments after we have sex, thinking that he shared that part of himself with those other women. To this day he still hasn't admitted to having sex with them, but it doesn't matter. He might as well have. Sometimes it's hard to kiss him thinking that his lips might have kissed some other woman's lips. These thoughts break me inside, but yet I still stay with him. What is that about?
I made a commitment to God that I would stay with him. He has stayed with me through all of my troubles with my health problems and addictions. I guess you could say that I cheated on him with so many other things other than people. I was addicted to morphine while I was getting over cancer and other illnesses. But I didn't need that drug, I wanted that drug. And I was careless with our money. So much so that we almost lost everything. Those are vows that I broke. Those are trusts that I broke with him that he had to rebuild with me barely even acknowledging I did anything wrong.
This is the good, bad, and the ugly of marriage. No one ever tells newlyweds about this part of marriage. Marriages don't succeed by communication or love. Those things come and go. The marriages that are successful are the ones that have 2 committed people in them. Marriage is successful by commitment towards one another. I'm excited to see what our therapy uncovers. I think that we will continue to grow and fall in love with one another.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
A Story About Forgiveness, & Dirty Bathrooms
I was cleaning the bathroom today, and really enjoying doing it. And I honestly hate doing them. This is the one cleaning chore I hate. And I know it is important to Mike. Not important enough for him to clean it though. Only important enough for him to bitch at me about. You know, something more to pawn off on me about a flaw in him, a round about way. But I used to take on that fault, but that was hurting both us. The truth is we are both at fault the "bathroom" wasn't always clean all the time.
I know that clean bathrooms are important to Mike. But I have a hard time cleaning bathrooms. I hate it, just personal thing about it. Well, Mike took it as I didn't respect him by keeping them clean. But here's the deal, Mike was focusing on what was wrong with me. He thought I was too lazy to clean those bathrooms. And I was not cleaning them to get back at him. Just another dig in Mike's side in the already deep hole that I've put in there. We are both wrong by not talking these thoughts out. I'm sure our "bathroom" problem didn't start with each other.
The bathroom not getting clean has nothing to do with us getting back at each other. It has to do with our own lifetime experiences we're bringing to the relationship. Me not cleaning the bathroom has everything to do with me and my experiences with "cleaning bathrooms". And Mike's wanting a clean and kept up "bathroom" has to do with good and bad experiences he was dealt growing up. But they didn't know that about each other. Because no one has ever taught them this until now.
I want Mike in more rooms than just the "bathroom" of my internal house. I want Mike to fill it up as much as the Holy Spirit is. I feel like I have closed so many doors in Mike's face that he might be afraid to open some. Or maybe my doors are not only locked, they are bolted, cemented, and wallpapered over.
I understand that I will have to let go of our past. What we did in our past is not who we are now. Even if the past is a month ago. I believe that if I let Mike into my "bathroom" then I will continue to enjoy cleaning my bathroom. By the grace of God's forgiveness for me, then I will, can, and choose to forgive my husband...I love you Mike.
I know that clean bathrooms are important to Mike. But I have a hard time cleaning bathrooms. I hate it, just personal thing about it. Well, Mike took it as I didn't respect him by keeping them clean. But here's the deal, Mike was focusing on what was wrong with me. He thought I was too lazy to clean those bathrooms. And I was not cleaning them to get back at him. Just another dig in Mike's side in the already deep hole that I've put in there. We are both wrong by not talking these thoughts out. I'm sure our "bathroom" problem didn't start with each other.
The bathroom not getting clean has nothing to do with us getting back at each other. It has to do with our own lifetime experiences we're bringing to the relationship. Me not cleaning the bathroom has everything to do with me and my experiences with "cleaning bathrooms". And Mike's wanting a clean and kept up "bathroom" has to do with good and bad experiences he was dealt growing up. But they didn't know that about each other. Because no one has ever taught them this until now.
I want Mike in more rooms than just the "bathroom" of my internal house. I want Mike to fill it up as much as the Holy Spirit is. I feel like I have closed so many doors in Mike's face that he might be afraid to open some. Or maybe my doors are not only locked, they are bolted, cemented, and wallpapered over.
I understand that I will have to let go of our past. What we did in our past is not who we are now. Even if the past is a month ago. I believe that if I let Mike into my "bathroom" then I will continue to enjoy cleaning my bathroom. By the grace of God's forgiveness for me, then I will, can, and choose to forgive my husband...I love you Mike.
A Roller Coaster Called Marriage
We are to love and trust our spouse like we love and trust Jesus. We are told to do that by Jesus. When we marry our soulmate we are yoked together with Jesus. So if you can imagine two people fused together as one and then handcuffed with Jesus. I know that sounds weird but that is what comes to my head. That is what marriage is to me.
Mike and I made a promise to each other in front of God when we got married. We committed we would stay with one another through thick and thin. Mike and I are soulmates, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way. The world gets in the way. And the devil is the prince of the world. It feels like there are times that we get dirt kicked in our faces. It is our responsibility to wash our faces off, and not allow it to happen to us anymore.
I know that we have only been in therapy for 2 weeks, but it feels like things are starting to change. I am sure that our situation will fluctuate like a roller coaster. But I can say for the first time that I'm up for the ride. I made a promise to God that I would stay with this man. I'm going to be accepting of him with all his flaws and hang ups. Because I have flaws and hang ups too.
He might have stepped out on our marriage, but if he is willing to work on why he has done it, isn't that worth me staying? I am not innocent in damaging our marriage. He wants to work on our marriage and he does love me. I love him too. I have to learn to shut up (because I'm a talker/shouter) and learn to listen. He has a lot to say, I just need to allow him to say it. We are both flawed and we want to heal together. That is one thing we said wanted out of therapy. We want to grow up together.
We are middle aged teenagers, wanting what we want not thinking about the other person. We have decided that needs to stop. I'm excited for my future with Mike. That is the first time I can say that and mean it. Thank you for your prayers. Please let me know what I can pray for you for. This is by no means the end of my marriage journey. God Bless you all.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Older Men & Young Women, Young Women & Older Men
When older men pick younger women they are trying to relive their own childhood through them. The men are able to live their youth again through the women. How lucky, he gets to be a kid twice. But he also gets to be that idol to that young girl. Therefore he can sculpt the women to become what they always wanted to be. But when the women become what the men urged them to be, they get angry at them. Becoming abusive in some way to those very young women they encouraged to get that college degree or job because he never did.
The men retaliate against those once "doe-eyed" young girls by cutting down their character. They will say the job the women have isn't that great or anyone can get a college degree. Some if not all will grow up and figured out whom they are and you are. That is when the tables turn and either 2 things can happen: 1. Divorce 2. Find God, and heal your marriage by the power of God.
But that "doe-eyed" girl is not to be blameless in this story. She is searching for this older man that will love her and think she is great. She feels comfort in the uncomfortable. The more off things are in her life the more at ease she feels. She wants the unbalance from an older man, not trusting people her own age because they have all hurt her. She wants to be taken care of. She always feels a rewarding feeling saying that she snagged an older man. There is a status in the world of women to marrying an older man.
These 2 get together because they both fulfill a need they have. She has a need of wanting to be treated kindly and gently by her older male figure in her life, she needs love and is needy with her husband. His need was to become that father figure for her, contort/control her to what you want for yourself, she does it or doesn't do it, then resent her. This is all subconscious. No one knows they do this, this is their "personality".
I think this might be my life. I know this all sounds horrible and selfish. But mixed in all of this turmoil there is a true love for one another. Most importantly, God is involved in our lives. Honestly, sometimes I think that's why we have so many struggles. I'm not going to lie to you. Our life has been hard. Of course God has been in it, but He has not always led it. We made our own choices and then asked for God's help as those choices failed. But God always helped us land on our feet.
But this time is different. We are putting God first, for everything. For example, I'm letting Mike be the leader of the household. I have to choose to trust him, and he has done great. I should have done this long ago. I've come to realize everyone's responsible for their own actions and their own responses. I know how incredibly blessed I am to be married to someone who wants to go to therapy, wants to heal himself (for his own self sake), wants to grow old with me, and has flaws just like me. I know that I have found my soulmate in Mike. I have a love for him that is comparable to my love for Jesus.
Mike and I have decided we are going to stay together and grow up...and then grow old.
The men retaliate against those once "doe-eyed" young girls by cutting down their character. They will say the job the women have isn't that great or anyone can get a college degree. Some if not all will grow up and figured out whom they are and you are. That is when the tables turn and either 2 things can happen: 1. Divorce 2. Find God, and heal your marriage by the power of God.
But that "doe-eyed" girl is not to be blameless in this story. She is searching for this older man that will love her and think she is great. She feels comfort in the uncomfortable. The more off things are in her life the more at ease she feels. She wants the unbalance from an older man, not trusting people her own age because they have all hurt her. She wants to be taken care of. She always feels a rewarding feeling saying that she snagged an older man. There is a status in the world of women to marrying an older man.
These 2 get together because they both fulfill a need they have. She has a need of wanting to be treated kindly and gently by her older male figure in her life, she needs love and is needy with her husband. His need was to become that father figure for her, contort/control her to what you want for yourself, she does it or doesn't do it, then resent her. This is all subconscious. No one knows they do this, this is their "personality".
I think this might be my life. I know this all sounds horrible and selfish. But mixed in all of this turmoil there is a true love for one another. Most importantly, God is involved in our lives. Honestly, sometimes I think that's why we have so many struggles. I'm not going to lie to you. Our life has been hard. Of course God has been in it, but He has not always led it. We made our own choices and then asked for God's help as those choices failed. But God always helped us land on our feet.
But this time is different. We are putting God first, for everything. For example, I'm letting Mike be the leader of the household. I have to choose to trust him, and he has done great. I should have done this long ago. I've come to realize everyone's responsible for their own actions and their own responses. I know how incredibly blessed I am to be married to someone who wants to go to therapy, wants to heal himself (for his own self sake), wants to grow old with me, and has flaws just like me. I know that I have found my soulmate in Mike. I have a love for him that is comparable to my love for Jesus.
Mike and I have decided we are going to stay together and grow up...and then grow old.
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