Let me just tell you where anxiety begins. It begins with one trying to control another person or their environment. And failing at not only controlling that but also controlling themselves. That is where fear comes into play which causes anxiety.
So in not being able to control the people around oneself, and not accepting the fact that you can't control the future relationships break down. People get panic attacks and start to blame others for the attacks. Sometimes people whom are the control freaks also like to control the emotional state of others too. The control freak has to have control of someone in some aspect of their inner circle's lives. It is that desire to have that control that causes anxiety. Those control freak people are really fear based hurt children inside.
I am an anxious person. I suffer from panic attacks and I know the struggle of fear. Personally, I can't think about the future. When Mike and I have a disagreement, I do my best to keep my mind focused on the problem at hand. This is an example of guidelines Mike and I follow when we have a disagreement;
1. Take a time out. Right away don't say anything if you are hot headed and don't retreat into your shell if you are introverted. But things are toxic to a relationship. There is a happy medium. Mike is introverted and I can have a wicked tongue. I know now that Mike has to think about things before he says them to me because he doesn't want to hurt me. And also, he has said somethings off the cuff that have bit him on the ass with me. So he has learned to be cautious with me. So I'm a product of my own environment and I don't like what I have created. But it's my own fault.
So take some time apart before you start to discuss a conflict. Start thinking if this is the, "Hill you want to die on". This will give you time to put yourself in your mate's place, and really try to see things from their point of view. If you truly loved them you would be able to do that even if you are mad. But before you take that time away establish that you are taking that time because you need some time to think. It's OK to tell your spouse that they hurt your feelings and you need to go process it. The other spouse needs to be aware that they upset the other. It is imperative that the spouses acknowledge each other's feelings. It is also important to go back after the time out and talk about it.
2. Only own your own feelings. You can only claim what is yours. And your feelings are your own. You are responsible for your feelings and your actions & reactions. No one else can say, "Oh I am the one that threw Patty's punch that hit Johnny's face". When Mike and I talk about our feelings I try to explain without threatening. I tell him this is what happened and this is how I reacted and why. I don't know if it was right or not. I ask him what is his side, then somewhere in the middle we find the truth. Or at least what we decide to be the truth.
When no one is blaming each other for hurting each other, only then we get to heal. When one spouse is trying to control the other by making the other apologize or "take responsibility" for something they don't care to, that will only cause anxiety to the person thinking they were wronged. Some seek to control others by telling them they should feel remorse. That is not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about seeing the "2-sides" to every story. Grow up and be responsible for your feelings and then be respectful of each other's feelings.
3. Don't talk about the past or the future. When we bring up the past or the future we find our voices start to escalate. We don't even know why. The noise will actually make us stop and take a breath. We know that we don't want to be that out of control fighting couple. We know that we are capable of talking out our feeling because we are learning how to and we truly care about each other.
What I find wild is that when our voices are loud and we are beginning to "go there". We are usually fighting about either the past or the future. Both things we have no control over. When we pull it bad to the task at hand, those angry feeling go away and the disagreement is solved. BOOM, done. There is no room for the past or the future in a marriage.
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