Commitment = A Successful Marriage

Sometimes I feel guilty for laughing with Mike. Like I shouldn't be laughing with him because we are supposed to be at odds. I have made the choice to forgive him, but what about him forgiving me? I'm no princess in this marriage. I haven't stepped out but I've done my share of turmoil to this family. Will he be able to completely forgive me the way I am forgiving him?

And what if he's not? What happens if he decides to turn his back on me? What then? How is that going to make me feel after I have decided to forgive him with all those other women? Or worse yet, what happens if we get better and then he does this to me again! WHOA! This is the stuff that I struggle with all the time. 

I have a hard time the moments after we have sex, thinking that he shared that part of himself with those other women. To this day he still hasn't admitted to having sex with them, but it doesn't matter. He might as well have. Sometimes it's hard to kiss him thinking that his lips might have kissed some other woman's lips. These thoughts break me inside, but yet I still stay with him. What is that about?

I made a commitment to God that I would stay with him. He has stayed with me through all of my troubles with my health problems and addictions. I guess you could say that I cheated on him with so many other things other than people. I was addicted to morphine while I was getting over cancer and other illnesses. But I didn't need that drug, I wanted that drug. And I was careless with our money. So much so that we almost lost everything. Those are vows that I broke. Those are trusts that I broke with him that he had to rebuild with me barely even acknowledging I did anything wrong.

This is the good, bad, and the ugly of marriage. No one ever tells newlyweds about this part of marriage. Marriages don't succeed by communication or love. Those things come and go. The marriages that are successful are the ones that have 2 committed people in them. Marriage is successful by commitment towards one another. I'm excited to see what our therapy uncovers. I think that we will continue to grow and fall in love with one another.