We currently had our Spring Break this last week. I went away with our 2 youngest children to Colorado. I'm located in Kansas City. I took this week away from my marriage to do some self reflection and to figure some things out. And I have to say that, if you allow quiet time with God He will never let you down. God is the best therapist and will reveal things to you about you if you just open your heart, ears, and mind to Him. But you will have to slow down your thinking to hear Him.
I personally have many "conversations" with The Lord. I have them when I'm cooking, cleaning, or even driving. This week in particular, allowed me to slow down and pray to my Lord. I needed Him to guide me through this struggle I'm having within myself.
I keep saying how we are only responsible for our own actions, and now it was time for me to eat my words. Mike and I do not have a healthy way of fighting. We are still trying to figure out what we are doing wrong when we fight, but not willing to take responsibility for our actions during the fights.
Here's How We Fight:
I get upset about something, Mike blows me off, I get mad, Mike blows me off again, because I'm getting aggressive and inside it's making him uncomfortable. This makes me more mad and then completely blow up. And then word vomit comes up. I say stupid horrible things I really don't mean, but say it anyway. I will say anything at this point, because I'm searching for some sort of reaction from him. I need to know that he is engaged in this conversation (or marriage for that matter). These fights bring up those feelings of fear, anxiousness, hopelessness, and doom. These are the fights that go on for days and our feelings get rubbed so raw I swear they are bleeding.
What God revealed to me was that I can't behave like that anymore. I have to be responsible for MY behavior. Since we have been in therapy I have found out that Mike "retreats" when I yell because of some personal issues he has. So if I loved him why would I continue to yell at him? I'm not going to yell anymore! I'm going to be responsible for myself and I don't like who I am when I get out of control like that. I wouldn't want him yelling at me like that so why would I do that to him? NO MORE!
I have apologized to Mike so much. I have told to Mike how God explained to me that if I were to change places with Mike and he was me, how would I feel? I'm here to tell you the answer was not good. I was humiliated. I have not been nice to Mike! I have been this loud, out-of-control, yelling wife that he really doesn't like. Why would he? I wouldn't either! So here I am writing how I want him to change...blah blah blah. The change needs to start with me!
I am only responsible for myself, my choices, and my changes. If Mike wants to change that is up to him. But after we talked about this, and I have owned my behavior, things are changing. I believe we are going to make it. But it is going to be hard work. Mike said that he is all in, I believe him...for the first time...I Trust Him.
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