Oh my gosh was today ever so hard! We went to counselling today and it was painful. Just down right painful and raw. Our therapist said that we will be doing 40% of the work in the office and 60% at home. I think it's more like 20:80.
We're only in that room for 1 hour. Just enough time to itch the "scab". Just enough time to make you aware that the wound was starting to heal. And you know when wounds start to heal they are uncomfortable. A wound will itch, flake, and sometimes catch on clothes. At times they'll bleed again. But no worries, that exposed opening will heal up over time. That is exactly what Mike and I are going through. We are wounded and every time we go to therapy we just irritate those wounds. We make each other cry and then we help each other heal. That is our 20:80
So today I had it. I feel so vulnerable and that is not a feeling I'm used to. I am so scared to completely love Mike again, only to be hurt again. The way Mike and I fight is; we go right from "I'm mad" to "I want a divorce". There is no gray area. There never has been. So my fear is that if I let my guard down with Mike and I get hurt again then we are going to have to do this whole song and dance with the "divorce" word. Because we have no in-between. It's all or nothing. We just realized after 28 years of being together with 24 of them being married. There is a gray area in fighting, we just didn't know about it.
Mike has always told me that he can "cut people off" if they do something that he doesn't agree with. That has always frightened me. Because in my head, that means that he can cut me off also. And I don't want to be "abandoned" by the man I love so much. And he says he loves me too. But if he says that he loves me in one sentence how come he always says "if you do this or that I'm out of here". I hate it. He always says that if me or the kids, let's say do drugs or become a democrat, he will say he will leave. It might sound harmless, but I heard it a lot. It made me think my marriage was not solid. And my husband can leave me at anytime, even though he hasn't, he says he can. It's not a fun place to be, even though I didn't know I was there. It was just a way of life.
But in Mike's defense, he grew up with that. He grew up with his father saying to his mother, "If you don't like it there's the door." And I just found that out...today! And his father grew up with his father doing the same crap to him. Only Mike's Grandfather added cheater to his resume. And I guess Mike's Dad would catch his Dad (Mike's Grandfather) cheating. The Grandfather would give him "hush money". So we raise our children with the crap that our parents were raised with. It's a horrible cycle. But it's a real one.
If Mike was going to leave me he would have. That phrase means nothing to him, he was raised with it. The same goes for him. I know I say stuff that bothers him that I was raised with. He had no idea how much it scared me inside. First off, I never told him. I could have put my "big girl pants" on and said how that makes me feel. But instead I chose to live in fear. That my friends is the work of the devil. Fear is the work of the devil, and I was full of fear and still have a little bit.
I don't want anyone to think that Mike is this big jerk, because he's not! He's has stayed wit me and put up with a lot over the years. I will never know how to repay him for that. We each bring our own issues to this marriage. And our 24 years of marriage have been full of chaos. Now it's time to let Go and Let God. And that is just what we are doing, and we are Seeing The Fruits Of Our Labors.
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