Responsibility = Control

I started a couple blogs ago stating "You know how I know the devil has his foot in my marriage right now?" but I also know that the Lord also has His hand on my life. Last night at church my youngest son and his girlfriend went forward and accepted Christ as their Savior. Praise God! So for all this turmoil that is going on in my life there is grace. That is what God is about. And that is what I have to concentrate on. 

We had a sermon last night about "He Who Loves the Most Wins". It was based on Matthew 9:9-13. About loving others like Jesus loves us no matter what.

I get that, I do. Our Pastor went on to state 3 ways to love others like Jesus loves us. 1. We grow in our Character, 2. Try to understand other's Perspective, and 3. We become Courageous on acting on what is Godly, with Grace. With grace is the most important part of number 3. But I think none of that can be done until we become Responsible for our own actions and thoughts. 

When one throws their responsibility onto someone else it's a way of controlling a situation, a person, and letting themselves off the hook. And how lucky (or unlucky that's all perspective) they are if they find someone that is willing to take on their mistakes. Or maybe one has "trained" a person to think that way. Either way, it's not the way God wants us to live. 

God wants us to grow as Christians and in our relationships with people. How can we do that when we are not willing to see what we do wrong and "own" it. That is the first thing we must do. God asks us to do it with Him by repenting and we must do it with each other. No one is without fault, and that is what is so great about us. That is what draws people to each other. But, how are we to create a good inner character and gain perspective about people and become courageous in our beliefs about God if we can't even come clean in our own mistakes? I'm here to tell you IT IS IMPOSSIBLE! It won't happen! 

We have to become responsible for our OWN actions and thoughts. That is the only way we will have successful relationships, careers, children, basically anything. If you can't go to someone and tell them you did or that, then just stop doing this or that. Be courageous that way. It's scary to change your behavior because that's all you know. But if it's not getting you anywhere and if it's causing you or the others around you heartache then let go of that control of fear and ask God to help you change it.  

Because control is based on fear. I'm guilty of it. I won't completely let Mike into my heart because I don't want to be hurt by him anymore. I don't know if I will ever be able to let him back in. I love him, but I am planning my escape route. That is a fear based on me controlling my emotions on who I'm going to let into my heart and who I'm not. Fear sucks! I hate it, it's a real emotion, but not always a truthful emotion.  

God is not fear, God is love. I have to remind myself of that daily. This world is hard and I don't know how I would get through it without my Lord. I hope this blog inspires you to grow in your character by taking responsibility for your actions so you can gain perspective of others. And with that become courageous in this world to speak up for God with Grace and Love. God Bless!

Matthew 9:9-13 The Message (MSG)

9 Passing along, Jesus saw a man at his work collecting taxes. His name was Matthew. Jesus said, “Come along with me.” Matthew stood up and followed him.

10-11 Later when Jesus was eating supper at Matthew’s house with his close followers, a lot of disreputable characters came and joined them. When the Pharisees saw him keeping this kind of company, they had a fit, and lit into Jesus’ followers. “What kind of example is this from your Teacher, acting cozy with crooks and riffraff?”

12-13 Jesus, overhearing, shot back, “Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? Go figure out what this Scripture means: ‘I’m after mercy, not religion.’ I’m here to invite outsiders, not coddle insiders.”

Our First Marriage Therapy Appointment, Now What???

We had our first "marriage counselling" appointment today. It was so incredibly painful. There were lots of tears, yelling (on my end), and denial (on his end). I'm not really sure how to walk away from this one hour appointment of exposing our hearts and just live the rest of the week normally.

We have never been through counselling. I don't know how couples deal with exposing their hurts with one another in a "safe environment" only to come home to their raw broken selves? I really let Mike have it in our little session and now I have to live with him for the next week. How am I supposed to do that? I hate feelings!!! I see why we kept sweeping things under the rug, because this is so painful.

I'm feeling so unlovable. I have to remind myself that God loves me. Because at a time like this I'm completely vulnerable. SEE!! Feelings are NOT TRUTH! I know I am lovable! Do you know how I know? Because I am able to love! I love my family and I love my friends (the few I have) but most of all I love my Lord.

At the end of our session our therapist told us that we have a lot of work to do in order to heal our marriage. She said we have a "mountain to climb". Then asked us if we were up for it. Mike jumped in and said "yes". I thought that his answer was so impulsive and insincere. But I was mad at him. So it really didn't matter what he said at the moment, it would have been wrong.

Then she asked me, and I couldn't answer. I don't live like that. I live minute by minute. I believe that is the way God wants us to live. The devil wants us to live in the past, we want to plan for the future and God wants us to live right here right now. He wants us to be present in the moment we are in. I told her I would show up, and if we are meant to work this out then God will do it.

I have to give this situation to God. To be honest, I don't know if I have totally and completely given it to Him yet. I been so consumed with my pain and just trying to survive. Don't get me wrong I'm praying and reading my Bible, but not like I used to. I need to let go of my pain. You see my pain is comforting right now. My pain is my identity right now, it strengthens me, and that's wrong. I have to let God consume me again. That is the only true way I will be free from this pain.

We can't live in the past, even though some people do.

God is able to heal us. God is able to show us or at least one of us where our relationship went off kilter. I think we realized when ours happened. We were so young and newly married and new parents. We had  so much pressure on us and we didn't even realize. 

We were starting a family, just had a baby, going through an adoption, I lost a sister, and that is when our different identities started. I became the housewife and you became the breadwinner. Our lives didn't cross much, and we didn't see much of each other.  I started working nights for the benefits and you started spending our money on crazy investments. We started to emotionally sever then, and we never repaired it. We certainly didn't have the proper tools to fix anything back then, sometimes getting drunk and a night out with our friends. 

But now you are sober. You have been sober for 9 years! I'm so proud of you! And I'm not a big drinker, so we don't  have that crutch. The "alcohol crutch" to help numb us of our problems. We have to look at each other with clear eyes and learn to accept one another. We have to grow up and say, "Yeah, I did this or that and I'm so sorry". It's time we own the pain we caused one another. Because that same pain will create fear in us. 

I have to rely on the Holy Spirit to fill my heart and soul up every morning and throughout the day. I need to have God's love and acceptance of me to get me through my days. I can't allow Mike's mood (or anyone's for that matter) to dictate mine. I am only responsible for my behavior. And since I can truly only answer for myself I want my mentor, teacher, Father to be Jesus. I know I will have bad days like everyone else. But I have the key to making those bad days a bit easier. The Holy Trinity. 

How do you affect ME????

You know how I know the devil has his foot in my marriage right now? Because our emotions are up and down. It's crazy how in seconds I can love Mike and the very next second I could leave him. That doubt is the devil, and I keep rebuking him but keep letting him in at the same time. This happens when there are secrets and lies between Mike and I. When there are secrets there is illness. And if you don't tend to the "illness" it's going to infect the rest of your life. I think that is what we did and are doing. On both sides, we are both guilty of this.

We each have separate lives from each other. I have a stay at home mom life and he has a life at work. He is probably a completely different person there. I wonder if he's the confident and charming Mike he was when I met him. But then reality hits when he has to come home. Come home to the same disappointments and people for the last 28 years. Come home to the heartache of what his life could have been. I don't know if he feels this way...maybe?

If he does feel trapped and unhappy, I have a role in it. I have to take responsibility for that role. I  have taken something away that is very important to him, a sense of security with money. And this is a true fear of his. I have been careless with our finances.  I didn't care enough about him to see he was hurting.  I was only focused on myself and the way Mike's "feelings" affected ME. I don't want to be that way anymore. I want Mike to have comfort with me when it comes to money and his fears. I want to be a team with him in every aspect of our lives. But we both need to grow up.

Mike's way of coping was consuming himself with work. We always got the short end of the stick when it comes to Mike's time. He blamed over-working on my over-spending. If I didn't spend so much then he didn't have to work so much. Yeah, we were in that vicious cycle, for years.  He can't do anything with his family unless it's free.  Then his feelings would get hurt if the rest of the family plans things without him.

When Mike and I don't focus on money we are a solid happy couple. But anything to do with money will make him so anxious. He gets panic attacks and freaks out. That is why I don't feel comfortable talking with him about it. I don't think he can take it. So I don't tell him the truth. Just like he doesn't tell me the truth about how he feels. The excuse I get for not getting his truth is...he thought he was protecting me. He thought I couldn't handle the true reason I hurt him. I just don't think he knows how to communicate.

This is something we are going to work on. With the help of God first, we can beat the devil.

I'm done being the Scapegoat

Trust is a funny thing. It's so important to have and you never know you have it until it's gone. It's something I took for granted with my marriage. I just always thought Mike would be around. I just always thought that I could do anything I wanted to do in this marriage (within reason) and Mike would always forgive me and we would be together. Because he did always forgive me! We always moved on from the hidden credit cards I would "max out" or the "out of control" shopping trips. But I don't think we ever did "move on". Mike's trust was gone a long time ago, and now mine is gone. So what is holding us together now?

When Mike and I got together I was a wounded bird, and I'm still wounded. But I'm trying to grow up and get better. He also has wounds from his past. For example, he needs to be needed, and he can't be the "bad guy" ever! That's what makes our relationship so perfect for him. He was able to considerate on how messed up I am. And I was willing to be that messed up self centered person. But I don't want to be that anymore.

If Mike could continue to "help" me with my life, then he won't have to worry about his life. That way when our lives go down hill it is my fault. He's off the hook! His father is that way, everything is his mother's fault. I'm finally starting to notice this pattern more.  I've been calling Mike out on this more and he doesn't like it. For example, he'll be all anxious and get an upset stomach before work lately if we talk about "our situation". But he blames his upset stomach on me! It's my fault he has this upset stomach before work because we are talking about him stepping out on our marriage?!?!

To the outsider this makes no sense that I would take the blame for his stomach ache. To the old me, it would make perfect sense, "Oh, I shouldn't make him upset", "I don't want to ruin his day". "It's my fault...Blah, Blah, Blah!" But now I'm starting to think like the outsider. So what if he gets sick before work! HE caused this entire situation! HE should be sick! HE better be sick! I have lost trust in my best friend!

But the truth is, he has lost trust in me long before I lost trust in him. And Mike was able to show me grace. I don't know how many of you compare hiding money equal to hiding extra material affairs, but Mike does. Mike said that when he found out I  had hid a credit card with a $1400 balance it felt like I had cheated on him. I don't know because I don't think of money that way. Money isn't that important to me.

But obviously Mike has a very close relationship with money if he thinks of money as an extra martial affair. Obviously, my status as his wife is equivalent to our checking account, in Mike's eyes. God says that you can't love money and love God. I think you can put that into any context. Mike can't love me and love money. Mike can't love his family and love money. He doesn't see the division of the two, and it has and will continue to destroy us.

I have to get my love from Jesus just like I have been. I trust God, He hasn't let me down. Even though I feel heartache, sadness, and pain I believe this is part of God's plan to make me stronger. He's even teaching me compassion in different areas of my life. Thank you Lord.

I'm The Problem, Not Him!

Something has been bothering me about this whole thing. The whole "I can't forgive Mike" thing. This fighting for more than 3 weeks thing so unusual for us. We are honestly a forgive and forget kind of couple. And I have been so stubborn about this. I can't get over the feeling of not being able to trust Mike again. And that feeling of Mike letting me down.


I have been praying to God to show me why I can't get over this. I was honestly baffled about this. And today I was getting ready for my day of nothinglessness and I got it! God finally eased my thinking into the reason why I can't move past this harmless act of Mike dropping off a box to a female co-worker's house? I don't know if there was nothing between them and honestly I would like to think there wasn't. Because I love my husband and I choose to live my marriage out that way...until proven otherwise.

I have put Mike on this pedestal. The one that I accuse himself of putting his self on. But I AM the one who did this to him. I was only in abusive relationships before Mike and because he wasn't abusive towards me I grabbed onto him. So tight I'm surprised he didn't suffocate.

Having insecurity about myself  gave Mike permission to be powerful over my life. He was what I considered secure in my life. And Mike liked being that security role. The only problem was he couldn't mess up or let me down. If he did it would throw my world in a tailspin.  It gave him a sense of power over me, and I didn't have to become a complete adult.

I would make these horrible decisions throughout our marriage. I have constantly messed up over and over again, for example with money. And we would fight and we would forgive each other. But's let's be honest, each time there is a little more damage to our family.  And that is how we became co-dependent on each other.

Well, it's time for me to take that pressure off of Mike and start putting grace on myself. It's time for me to love myself.  It's time for me to be a better person than the one I'm putting  pressure on Mike to be. The only way I can do this is by focusing on Jesus. I have to remember that Jesus is my first love. I have to forgive like Jesus forgives me. I have never had to forgive Mike like this before. I'm really not sure how this whole forgiveness thing should go, so I need God to direct me.

I need Mike to know that it's OK to be human and make mistakes. And that I'm sorry for putting so much pressure on him to make my life perfect. I'm going to step up and do my best to not keep secrets. I just have a hard time letting people in because I end up disappointing them. But again, that is my problem, not his.

STOP!!! It's Prayer Time! Oh...Oh...Oh...

It's such a sad thing that I have lost trust in Mike. He was the first and only person I ever felt safe with. I might have the record for picking abusive boyfriends. My past boyfriends hurt me anywhere from physical to emotional to sexual. Mike never did anything like that to me. Mike never wanted anything from me, he just wanted to "be" with me.

But that was 28 years ago. And oh my, how things have changed. Our family has been through so many trials and heartaches. My mom says the amount of struggles my family has gone through is not normal. But she always ends that with, "you amaze me at the way you just keep on going." Yeah, me too! My family did have struggles, but Mike and I were a team back then. There weren't any outsiders! The ones we vowed to God we wouldn't do, on our wedding day.  

Our emotions have been flying all over the place. One minute Mike and I will be happy, and then the next we're at war again. We'll be talking about getting a divorce. It's been like this for almost 3 weeks. We have never disagreed this long before. But we are using some tools that we know have saved us in the past. It is God and prayer.

The one thing that is saving our marriage is God. Sometimes when we fight we will stop and pray together. We'll ask the Holy Spirit to help us, and He does. I know what you're thinking, "well, we could never do that because of his/her temper and there's no talking to him/her". This is something that has to be practiced and practiced. And one of you are going to have to swallow their pride and ask to pray together. And the other is going to have to have grace and accept the offer of prayer. Then let go and let God take over.

We pray together and Mike prays over me a lot. Today before Mike went to work we prayed together. I just had surgery 2 days ago and I'm having a reaction to the antibiotic. Yesterday I was battling a yeast infection (this is only my second one in 20 years) and today I'm vomiting blood. I thought maybe I should go to the ER, but Mike was mad at me because there was only $800 in the savings account when there should have been $1000. So he starts ragging on me about getting a job and how "since I won't" get a job we have to cut down our expenses. Which we know that. And I can't send him houses anymore from Zillow because it stresses him out. But there was no concern about the bloody vomit that just came out my mouth.

I'm completely exhausted and he's running late because he was busy looking at the checking account and scolding me about the spending. He finally realizes he's running late and asks me to make is lunch and dinner. SURE?!?!? So I did. While I was making his food he hugged me and said the sorry blah blah blah. But then Mike squeezed me a bit tighter and prayed for us. And for me that is so much better than an apology. He had a very stressful morning. Mike had to start a new chapter in his life. He had to stick up to that mechanic that I wrote about a few Blogs back. And Mike succeeded! Mike handled everything perfectly and he was able to get the bill lowered. Plus, the mechanic had grace! I am so proud of him!

Why can't that be my family?

You know how people say to God, "God if you're real you'll stop this or do that for me right now!" And when it doesn't happen immediately like you want it to you stop believing in God. Maybe not entirely but bit by bit.  You feel let down AGAIN!

You look around yourself at church, and you see these happy Christian people. You only see them once or twice a week for 3-4 hours a day. But you just know they are that way all the time. The couples are laughing and holding hands! They really liked each other! Their kids are in every sport, plays tons of instruments, speaks 6 languages, and it that wasn't enough, they are a totally good looking family. They are the "total package" if you will. (Why can't that be my family?) And you "just know" God is immediately answering their prayers! Of course He is, look at them! God really blessed them with the upgraded deluxe "We're the perfect Family" package. (That's a joke) They are the perfect family.

No one knows what is going on in someone's mind. We don't know what's going on in someone's house when the curtains are closed. I was in this group of women who would meet at the "leader's" house, have dinner, and talk. The leader gave us all journals that we were to write in between gatherings. The discussions were very raw and a lot of tears where shed. There were 12 of us (funny I know right?!) and the statistics are that 1:4 girls suffer from some sort of sexual abuse. I do believe the number is much higher than that. Out of the 12 of us women, 8 raised their hands. I think that is more realistic. Out of those 8 some have continued be victims and some received help but all rely on God for their strength.

Everyone has protected secrets. Which leads to fear. And fear is a sin. And that sin will keep you distant from God. God gave us the tools to be close to Him. It's not that hard. It takes just as much energy to have a close relationship with God  as it is to go to the gym, cook supper, or to get ready for the day. I've seen these muscly guys at the gym working out their muscles, and I wondered do they work out their souls like that? And if they do WOW what awesome lives they must have.

Just because someone is a Christian, they don't have to give up things love to do. Things like going to the gym, fishing, or doing any activity they love. It means be patient in God, don't give Him those prayerful ultimatums. Your prayer for God's help can go something like this, "God if it is Your Will let this job work out" or whatever you're struggling in.  Another example is, "God I'm overwhelmed, I'm in need of Your Grace, please allow me to feel the inner comfort of the Holy Spirit." That I promise you will happen quickly. Be humble when you speak to God, He did create you!

As far as the  "Perfect Family", there's no such thing. I bet some wife/mom views my family as the "Perfect Family". That just means maybe she's going through an even harder time than my family. And maybe the "Perfect Family" feels inferior to another "Perfect Family"? But maybe that perfect family is a "Super Deluxe Perfect Family"!?! Now that's a game changer.

God wants to give us confidence within ourselves.  He doesn't want us to think we need any kind of outer "package". I'm perfect in God's eyes! Which blows my mind because I don't understand how anyone can think I'm perfect. But that's not my job. It't not my job to try to figure why God loves me! It's my job to celebrate in that Love and teach others about His love.  I honestly feel so lucky to have God with me at all times. I have felt the comfort of The Holy Spirit. And it is so calming and puts me to ease. He loves us and He wants us to love him above all.

DON'T DO IT!

After having Mike look at someone else the way he is supposed to look at you is such a hard blow to my ego. And my ego was not real strong to begin with. I was always questioning my worth as a wife, a mother, and a friend. And trust me the list can go on and on, and it was always low.

I don't think men see that they are crushing their wife's self worth when it comes to infidelity. Men see it as they are just removing a "trust" issue. That a selfish view of things. Maybe to have a stranger invade your marriage there is a selfish view on both ends? Women see it as "why wasn't I enough"? Men see it as, "I needed to get my needs met". But in a marriage there is no room to be selfish, I don't think in life there is any room to be selfish.

When people are selfish that is how abuse happens. A woman is raped because a man wants to control her. It is his selfish needs. A mother abuses her children because she wants to control her children. Do you see a pattern here? It is about control! And when you are a true believer in God you give up control on those bad urges. When you do that God will take those away, but you have to be patient and let Him.

I'm telling you there is a way to know when God is telling "NO"! Ask God for help in these selfish situations in your life. Be it; money, sex, work, or crime you just have to ask God for guidance and strength. And when you get anxious, feel that warmth in your legs, and perspiration that is God! Listen to it, and DON'T DO IT! You will be amazed at how blessed your life will be.

Don't be selfish anymore, look beyond your own nose. There is a whole world out there. Won't it be great to be a blessing to someone. Won't it be great to lead someone to Christ or be that example of how to live in Christ for someone. It is not hard, you make choices everyday. Isn't it time to make some choices that will benefit your soul. And in turn will benefit others around you.

Even Kings get Depressed

I find when I don't make time to read my Bible and pray the choices I make in life are "off". I seem to spend a little more money, cuss like a sailor, and accept bad behavior from the people around me. But all it takes is for ME to open my Bible again and just read. Or just say "Hi" to God. Talk with Him like you would a best friend. Have a conversation out loud with God so people think you are talking to yourself. He will answer your questions when you do this. Try it. He's there! He's waiting patiently on you.

I've been using my Bible time for time to heal from all this turmoil in my marriage. I was reading Revelation. And jumping between that Book and John. But I need comfort right now so I went to Psalms. Some of the verses start out with so much pain and end in love. I have found a lot of comfort in reading this part of the Bible. Then I got to Psalm 13...

You see David felt abandoned by God. David suffered emotionally just like the rest of us, but he was a King. David struggled with some of the same temptations we have now. We all feel at times abandoned by God, especially when bad things happen to us for NO reason. But He has never left us. Bad things happen to all of us. No one is excluded. We have no control over the abuse. We have control over ourselves.

Everyone is a victim of something. But the real question is what are you going to do with that knowledge of "suffering"? Are you going to help others? Or are you going to do what the devil wants you to do and live in fear? Do you want to be a victim all your life? This is how addictions start, be it sexual, chemical, or financial. People don't want to deal with the abuse they suffered. They want to be numb.

God will take that suffering away instantly! It is amazing! Faster than David can Psalm 13:5 "throw himself headlong into Your arms" God takes away the pain of your abuse. Just ask Him to and then  allow yourself to let go of it. Forgive yourself and everyone involved. You have to truly mean it. Jesus didn't suffer the torture and hanging on the cross for nothing. This is exactly why He died for us.

Ask God to first forgive you for whatever part you need to ask for forgiveness in. I know this will make some mad, but please stay with me! Forgiveness because you didn't tell anyone or did the abuse send you into bad behavior? So ask God for forgiveness. Then ask God to forgive the people involved. They didn't know they were going to screw up your life. They were being selfish and were just thinking about what they wanted at that moment.You have to truly mean all this.

Then you have to ask God to take this memory away. And you have to visualize a part of this memory and physically give that picture to God. You can throw it, which is kind of disrespectful, you can rip it up, mine was a size of a movie theater screen and I grabbed it from the bottom corner, squatted down and heaved it up and away. It was pretty cool if I say so myself.  

You have to truly not want any part of this memory anymore. That means you don't want the anger excuse anymore. That means you don't want the "I'm a drug addict because I was abused" excuse anymore. This means all that. But I promise you this, the life you are about to live is so bright and light. I mean like feather weight light. God is the All-Mighty Healer! We really don't need anyone or anything else!

1-2 Long enough, God—
    you’ve ignored me long enough.
I’ve looked at the back of your head
    long enough. Long enough
I’ve carried this ton of trouble,
    lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemies
    have looked down their noses at me.

3-4 Take a good look at me, God, my God;
    I want to look life in the eye,
So no enemy can get the best of me
    or laugh when I fall on my face.

5-6 I’ve thrown myself headlong into your arms—
    I’m celebrating your rescue.
I’m singing at the top of my lungs,
    I’m so full of answered prayers.