Our First Marriage Therapy Appointment, Now What???

We had our first "marriage counselling" appointment today. It was so incredibly painful. There were lots of tears, yelling (on my end), and denial (on his end). I'm not really sure how to walk away from this one hour appointment of exposing our hearts and just live the rest of the week normally.

We have never been through counselling. I don't know how couples deal with exposing their hurts with one another in a "safe environment" only to come home to their raw broken selves? I really let Mike have it in our little session and now I have to live with him for the next week. How am I supposed to do that? I hate feelings!!! I see why we kept sweeping things under the rug, because this is so painful.

I'm feeling so unlovable. I have to remind myself that God loves me. Because at a time like this I'm completely vulnerable. SEE!! Feelings are NOT TRUTH! I know I am lovable! Do you know how I know? Because I am able to love! I love my family and I love my friends (the few I have) but most of all I love my Lord.

At the end of our session our therapist told us that we have a lot of work to do in order to heal our marriage. She said we have a "mountain to climb". Then asked us if we were up for it. Mike jumped in and said "yes". I thought that his answer was so impulsive and insincere. But I was mad at him. So it really didn't matter what he said at the moment, it would have been wrong.

Then she asked me, and I couldn't answer. I don't live like that. I live minute by minute. I believe that is the way God wants us to live. The devil wants us to live in the past, we want to plan for the future and God wants us to live right here right now. He wants us to be present in the moment we are in. I told her I would show up, and if we are meant to work this out then God will do it.

I have to give this situation to God. To be honest, I don't know if I have totally and completely given it to Him yet. I been so consumed with my pain and just trying to survive. Don't get me wrong I'm praying and reading my Bible, but not like I used to. I need to let go of my pain. You see my pain is comforting right now. My pain is my identity right now, it strengthens me, and that's wrong. I have to let God consume me again. That is the only true way I will be free from this pain.