How do you affect ME????

You know how I know the devil has his foot in my marriage right now? Because our emotions are up and down. It's crazy how in seconds I can love Mike and the very next second I could leave him. That doubt is the devil, and I keep rebuking him but keep letting him in at the same time. This happens when there are secrets and lies between Mike and I. When there are secrets there is illness. And if you don't tend to the "illness" it's going to infect the rest of your life. I think that is what we did and are doing. On both sides, we are both guilty of this.

We each have separate lives from each other. I have a stay at home mom life and he has a life at work. He is probably a completely different person there. I wonder if he's the confident and charming Mike he was when I met him. But then reality hits when he has to come home. Come home to the same disappointments and people for the last 28 years. Come home to the heartache of what his life could have been. I don't know if he feels this way...maybe?

If he does feel trapped and unhappy, I have a role in it. I have to take responsibility for that role. I  have taken something away that is very important to him, a sense of security with money. And this is a true fear of his. I have been careless with our finances.  I didn't care enough about him to see he was hurting.  I was only focused on myself and the way Mike's "feelings" affected ME. I don't want to be that way anymore. I want Mike to have comfort with me when it comes to money and his fears. I want to be a team with him in every aspect of our lives. But we both need to grow up.

Mike's way of coping was consuming himself with work. We always got the short end of the stick when it comes to Mike's time. He blamed over-working on my over-spending. If I didn't spend so much then he didn't have to work so much. Yeah, we were in that vicious cycle, for years.  He can't do anything with his family unless it's free.  Then his feelings would get hurt if the rest of the family plans things without him.

When Mike and I don't focus on money we are a solid happy couple. But anything to do with money will make him so anxious. He gets panic attacks and freaks out. That is why I don't feel comfortable talking with him about it. I don't think he can take it. So I don't tell him the truth. Just like he doesn't tell me the truth about how he feels. The excuse I get for not getting his truth is...he thought he was protecting me. He thought I couldn't handle the true reason I hurt him. I just don't think he knows how to communicate.

This is something we are going to work on. With the help of God first, we can beat the devil.