Something has been bothering me about this whole thing. The whole "I can't forgive Mike" thing. This fighting for more than 3 weeks thing so unusual for us. We are honestly a forgive and forget kind of couple. And I have been so stubborn about this. I can't get over the feeling of not being able to trust Mike again. And that feeling of Mike letting me down.
I have been praying to God to show me why I can't get over this. I was honestly baffled about this. And today I was getting ready for my day of nothinglessness and I got it! God finally eased my thinking into the reason why I can't move past this harmless act of Mike dropping off a box to a female co-worker's house? I don't know if there was nothing between them and honestly I would like to think there wasn't. Because I love my husband and I choose to live my marriage out that way...until proven otherwise.
I have put Mike on this pedestal. The one that I accuse himself of putting his self on. But I AM the one who did this to him. I was only in abusive relationships before Mike and because he wasn't abusive towards me I grabbed onto him. So tight I'm surprised he didn't suffocate.
Having insecurity about myself gave Mike permission to be powerful over my life. He was what I considered secure in my life. And Mike liked being that security role. The only problem was he couldn't mess up or let me down. If he did it would throw my world in a tailspin. It gave him a sense of power over me, and I didn't have to become a complete adult.
I would make these horrible decisions throughout our marriage. I have constantly messed up over and over again, for example with money. And we would fight and we would forgive each other. But's let's be honest, each time there is a little more damage to our family. And that is how we became co-dependent on each other.
Well, it's time for me to take that pressure off of Mike and start putting grace on myself. It's time for me to love myself. It's time for me to be a better person than the one I'm putting pressure on Mike to be. The only way I can do this is by focusing on Jesus. I have to remember that Jesus is my first love. I have to forgive like Jesus forgives me. I have never had to forgive Mike like this before. I'm really not sure how this whole forgiveness thing should go, so I need God to direct me.
I need Mike to know that it's OK to be human and make mistakes. And that I'm sorry for putting so much pressure on him to make my life perfect. I'm going to step up and do my best to not keep secrets. I just have a hard time letting people in because I end up disappointing them. But again, that is my problem, not his.
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