Trust is a funny thing. It's so important to have and you never know you have it until it's gone. It's something I took for granted with my marriage. I just always thought Mike would be around. I just always thought that I could do anything I wanted to do in this marriage (within reason) and Mike would always forgive me and we would be together. Because he did always forgive me! We always moved on from the hidden credit cards I would "max out" or the "out of control" shopping trips. But I don't think we ever did "move on". Mike's trust was gone a long time ago, and now mine is gone. So what is holding us together now?
When Mike and I got together I was a wounded bird, and I'm still wounded. But I'm trying to grow up and get better. He also has wounds from his past. For example, he needs to be needed, and he can't be the "bad guy" ever! That's what makes our relationship so perfect for him. He was able to considerate on how messed up I am. And I was willing to be that messed up self centered person. But I don't want to be that anymore.
If Mike could continue to "help" me with my life, then he won't have to worry about his life. That way when our lives go down hill it is my fault. He's off the hook! His father is that way, everything is his mother's fault. I'm finally starting to notice this pattern more. I've been calling Mike out on this more and he doesn't like it. For example, he'll be all anxious and get an upset stomach before work lately if we talk about "our situation". But he blames his upset stomach on me! It's my fault he has this upset stomach before work because we are talking about him stepping out on our marriage?!?!
To the outsider this makes no sense that I would take the blame for his stomach ache. To the old me, it would make perfect sense, "Oh, I shouldn't make him upset", "I don't want to ruin his day". "It's my fault...Blah, Blah, Blah!" But now I'm starting to think like the outsider. So what if he gets sick before work! HE caused this entire situation! HE should be sick! HE better be sick! I have lost trust in my best friend!
But the truth is, he has lost trust in me long before I lost trust in him. And Mike was able to show me grace. I don't know how many of you compare hiding money equal to hiding extra material affairs, but Mike does. Mike said that when he found out I had hid a credit card with a $1400 balance it felt like I had cheated on him. I don't know because I don't think of money that way. Money isn't that important to me.
But obviously Mike has a very close relationship with money if he thinks of money as an extra martial affair. Obviously, my status as his wife is equivalent to our checking account, in Mike's eyes. God says that you can't love money and love God. I think you can put that into any context. Mike can't love me and love money. Mike can't love his family and love money. He doesn't see the division of the two, and it has and will continue to destroy us.
I have to get my love from Jesus just like I have been. I trust God, He hasn't let me down. Even though I feel heartache, sadness, and pain I believe this is part of God's plan to make me stronger. He's even teaching me compassion in different areas of my life. Thank you Lord.
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